My kind of Luck
by Michaela90
Summary: In such a boring, upper-middle class, community one wonders how one could find a hero & heroine for an adventure into another world. In truth, one couldn't, but one could find a good hero & heroine for a parody of an adventure into another world.
1. Abby Steve and Hobbiton?

**Author's Notes: **_This is the REVISED VERSION. It was sort of a parody before and now it's a true parody._

_

* * *

_

**Chapter One: **_Abby, Steve and Hobbiton...?_

Sycamore Court, a boring mac-mansion suburbia community, out in the middle of once-farm-lands in Camden County, New Jersey, was the last place a person would look to find an interesting story.

Like the houses, colored various shades of tans and creams, with all white interiors and large empty rooms, the people of the suburb were as boring as boring could possibly be conceived. The men were the heads of the households, all in their middle ages, anywhere from forty through sixty-five. They were lawyers or doctors of some sort bringing in around eighty-five thousand to one-hundred thousand a year. The woman could take one or two roles. Either the role of the domestic house-wife in full out nineteen fifty sitcom style, or a successful career woman, being an example to woman around the globe, or at least in their small community.

The children, perfect examples of their parents, were just as snobby, if not more snobby as the people who gave them life. The girls liked to pretend they were rich by getting all the toys they wanted whenever Toys-R-US had a sale, or when they were older having a sweet-sixteen birthday party at the community pool, with their Aunts and Uncles dressed up as waiters, serving Triskets with cream cheese plopped on top. The boys on the other hand, were joined up in any sport imaginable, and their mothers and fathers would go to every single one of the games screaming at the top of their lungs, ready to knock the lights out of anyone that didn't think their son was the next Wayne Greitsky(sp?), David Beckham, Michael Jordan, or Donovan McNabb respectively.

So in such a boring, upper-middle class, all-white community, one could wonder how one could find a good hero and heroine for the adventure of a life time into another world. The truth is, the one couldn't find a good hero or heroine for the adventure of a life time into another world, but one could find an excellent hero and heroin for the _parody_ of the adventure of a life time into another world.

-----------------

Welcome to Number 501 Grand Fox Lane, Sycamore Court, Camden County, New Jersey, 08021. Home of Jonathan Gladingshide, forty-eight, his wife, Barbara Bennot Gladingshide, forty-four **(although she would never admit that in polite company!)** and their two children, Abigail Grace Gladingshide, sixteen, and Jonathan Daniel Gladingshide II, **(heaven forbid he be a junior!)** eleven.

You are now located in the family-room of the Gladingshide home **(because of course the living-room was only met for polite company!)** were we can see Abigail Grace **(more informally referred to as Abby)** and her best friend a Mr. Steven Lockwood of 209 Oak Rd. age seventeen and three quarters.

They were sitting in front of Abby's _not-exactly-big-screen-but-big-enough-to-impress-the-less-well-off-next-door-neighbors-TV_. Eating popcorn (**no butter or salt, we don't want any grease stains on the white carpet do we?)** and watching what appeared to be a gory, rated-R action movie, called Lord of The Rings-The Fellowship of the Ring!** (heaven forbid...what _would_ the neighbors say...a teenage boy, and a teenage girl, watching a Rated R movie together...unsupervised!)**

"Take it like a man Boromir!" Abby said throwing a piece of popcorn at the television screen a few feet in front of her. Her best friend Steve put a hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Abby, take it easy," he said laughing, "Boromir is a fictional character. FIC-TION-A-L. He isn't really obsessed with the one ring, and for God's sake he is taking it like a man."  
  
"That dude annoys me," She replied shrugging.  
  
"Abby, maybe you should talk to you dad about this," he said with a shrug eyes never leaving as Aragorn chopped off the head of the big orc that killed Boromir...well at this point almost killed.

Abby rolled her eyes, "He'd probably somehow find a way to sue some one for millions of dollars about it or something. I mean for chrissake he practically, breathes, eats and sleeps with a book of legal regulations sitting next to him."  
  
Steve began to crack up, "Is that classic or what?'  
  
Abby stared at him a moment before turning back to the movie. She had known him too long to ask questions it was a rather fruitless cause.  
  
Boromir's face paled significantly as he told Aragorn that, "They have taken the little ones."

Steven only began to laugh harder, as Abby swooned, "I wish I had a man that would decapitate orcs to save my ass."  
  
Steve grinned, "What are you jealous of? Aragorn and Boromir aren't together, like that."  
  
Abby blushed but manage to say, "I know several fan-fickers who would disagree."  
  
Steve looked over at her as Aragorn said, "Let's hunt some orc!"

"Please don't tell me you still read that trash Abby." He groaned.  
  
"It's not trash!" she protested throwing a handful of popcorn at his face, "Lot's of the people who write are extremely talented!"  
  
"Then why don't they use their talents to create their own characters, plot, and so on so they can make money?" He said sighing.  
  
"Because-Because," She sputtered, "Oh I don't know! They don't feel like it!"  
  
"Exactly," he smirked putting a piece of blond hair behind his ear,

"I'm glad you're with me Sam." Frodo was saying.  
  
"You don't think it's so bad when you've got some Eowyn/Arwen action, do you?" Abby protested.  
  
Now Steven was blushing, "Well uh...the thing is..." He began but her smirk made him shut his mouth.  
  
"At least with Boromir Aragorn slash there is a slight chance of it happening, I mean they spend several months with each other, constantly. Without any female company too! And they must have known each other before that." She lectured.  
  
"There is no chance for Aragorn/Boromir Abby. I mean they have some pretty good make out scenes with Arwen and Aragorn in The Fellowship of the Ring alone. Then there's the Two Towers and that scene where Arwen's in that sheer dress thing." He closed his eyes in blissful remembrance as the credits came on and Enya began to play.  
  
Abby slapped him. "Do not, ever fanaticize about Liv Tyler in front of me Steve." She scooted away, "Oh the pictures!" she added dramatically.  
  
Blue eyes wide, he silently cursed her while gently rubbing his face. "Or what Abby? Whatcha gonna do about it?"  
  
She grinned, flashing white, if slightly crooked teeth, "Or I'll spend the next hour and a half ranting about all the reasons why Gimili/Legolas slash has to be true!"  
  
"There's no way!" He replied, horrified, "Gimili spends most of the books ranting about Lady Galadriel's beauty, there's no way elf-boy and he are getting frisky when the cameras ain't looking!"  
  
"A girl can dream can't she?" Abby drawled, making Steve shudder.

"Why would anyone want to dream about Gimili in bed?" He asked slightly afraid of the what the answer would be.  
  
"A man with a beard and a craving for ripe meat off the bone can get some of us very turned on." She replied lazily.  
  
"Please Abby! The pictures! At least Liv Tyler is hot!"  
  
She grinned impishly, "Sorry Stevie, With how gay you can act I forgot that man on man isn't what you're into."  
  
"God the very idea! That's so disgusting!" he exclaimed.  
  
"Get over yourself you homophobic blonde. What are you going to do go cry to your mommy about it?" Abby giggled.  
  
"This is definitely one thing that I'd never speak with my mother about. Honestly! Guy on guy!" He shuddered again.

The tape was rewinding, and as it neared the beginning the television began to glow a pale blue, but neither boy nor girl had yet to notice this.** (Being raised in New Jersey makes some people awfully observant, don't it?)  
**  
"I bet you wouldn't mind a little girl on girl, however?" She asked quirking an eyebrow at him.  
  
"Wouldn't mind girl on girl? Hell I'd pay to see a little girl on girl!" he exclaimed, putting on his headphones.  
  
"Argh! Steve! Even if I've known you since kindergarten that is not the kind of thing I need to hear! That's almost as bad as the time you picked your nose ate your crusty snot in first grade!"

**(Awfully eloquent as well you can see.)  
**  
He rolled his eyes, "Aw come on Abby, a little gold digging never hurt any one!"  
  
She shuddered. "Be glad I didn't tell the whole school about that."  
  
"You love me too much Abby, you love me too much." He replied smacking his lips together.  
  
She gave an unladylike snort, "Me, loving you? Come on Steve you might have every cheer leader in the school getting hot between the legs for you, but I would never sink that low."  
  
"I'm not that bad!" Steve protested.  
  
"Steve, Steve, when will you understand that being the star quarter back does not mean that every girl will like you? It means every girl besides me will like you!" she grined flicking popcorn cornels at his face.  
  
"Well so sorry if it's hard for me to remember these things!" he cried tossing some leftover popcorn back at her.

The television was glowing an even brighter blue.

**(Seriously...is there something in the air there or something? These are two of the stupidest kids I've ever seen. And why aren't they watching it on DVD....what 'rich' person uses VHS for chrissake!)**

He pushed play on his MP3 player, **(Atta boy Steve!)** and Abby's senseless chattering was tuned out by Ja Rule and various other rappers whose names were even more poorly spelled and harder for adults to pronounce. He closed his eyes and waited for Abby to switch the tapes and poke him or something to make him realize the second movie was on.  
  
He waited, and waited and waited. Nearly fifteen minutes passed and Steven cracked his eyes open. Abby's nice white living room was completely empty, besides himself and the furniture. Everything also seemed to be tinted a pale blue. He turned towards the television and saw it glaring a shocking blue.

**(He actually noticed!!!)**

"Abby?" he whispered to the air.

**(Yes that's because we all give water molecules nicknames don't we? Excuse me while I skip off to play with Fred, Gertrude and Simon.)**

And then it seemed out of the television he heard Abby's voice. It sounded muffled and far away but it was Abby's all the same. "What the fuck?" She was said.  
  
"Abby?" he asked approaching the television.  
  
"Where am I?" She asked.  
  
"Abby?" he said again, and he touched the screen. His fingers went into it, like it was water.  
  
"What the hell?" He asked pulling away. But the watery television goo stuck to his fingers. It became tighter and tighter as he tried to pull farther away until suddenly as if it was a stretched out rubber band, it propelled itself towards the television, still holding Steven onto the end, and threw him inside. 

**(Science fiction at it's lowest. Good thing this is a parody or I'd be seriously getting flamed right about now....However, you never know, maybe I'll still get flamed any way!)  
**  
Abby had landed on a patch of mossy ground with a slight "oof."  
  
"What the fuck?" she had asked herself surveying the area around her. Long rolling grassy hills, lot's of trees, bushes and flowers, and doors, in doorways, **(groundbreaking scientific discovery there! Doors in doorways! Who would have guessed?)** in the ground?  
  
"It looks like I'm in Hobbiton." She thought with a grin.

Then she heard a decent faint, muffled, "Abby?" coming from the sunny sky overhead.  
  
"Where am I?" she said out loud.  
  
"Abby?" the sky asked again.

**(What is it with them and thinking that the air is their friend?)**

Before Abby could say anything else, she heard a manly scream and saw Steven falling from the sky. His arms and legs were flailing about at his sides, and he was cursing up a blue streak.  
  
Abby would have laughed, had the circumstances been different. **(Ah yes laugh at your friend pummeling to his death.)**

He landed next to Abby.

"Abby?" he asked rubbing his sore butt, 'Where are we?"  
  
She looked around again. "It appears we are in Hobbiton my good Sir."  
  
He stared at her. "Hobbiton?"  
  
She looked at him and smiled slyly, "Hobbiton."  
  
"Hobbiton!" He cried panicked.  
  
She placed a comforting arm on his shoulder, "Hobbiton." She said trying to give a reassuring smile.

**(Hobbiton on sale at grocery stores everywhere! By one get one free!)**

He took a deep breath and looked around, trying to calm down. After a few moments he turned towards he smiling, "Hobbiton." He said.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** _Okay my people, this is the revised version of My Kind of Luck (why I named it that I haven't the faintest idea!) I hope you all enjoyed how I made this into more of a parody this go round! Wow I'm perky._


	2. Wizards, a useless lot really

**Author's Notes: **_Those who reviewed, you're cool...those who didn't...well...die. If you're from New Jersey and believe that I am Jersey bashing....well, guess what....I am. But I'm justified, I've lived here my whole friggin life._

* * *

**Chapter Two: **_Wizards, a useless lot really_

Steve looked at Abby, Abby looked at Steve.

**(Explosive way to start off a new chapter, eh?)  
**  
'Well." Steve said, "Now that we've established the fact that we are in Hobbiton. How did we get here?"  
  
Abby shrugged, "I might have a 174 IQ but even my genius can't figure this one out Steve."  
  
"174 my ass!" he exclaimed.  
  
"That's not the point Mr. Quarterback!" she yelled kicking a pebble nearby.  
  
"Ow." Thought the pebble.

**(Kudos to the brilliant cameo by a small stone who said Ow, even though rocks have no thoughts or feelings.)  
**  
There was silence.  
  
"What's the point then?" he asked.  
  
"Steve!" she exclaimed, 'How thick are you?"  
  
"Not that thick, I can string sentences together with proper subject verb agreement."

**(Oh, good job! My three year old cousin can say 'I want my toy.' Too!) **

"Ergh!" Abby exclaimed, frustrated. "Look Abby I'm sorry, I'll stay quiet so you can think for a few minutes."  
  
"Good Lord boy thank you!" she spat and threw herself onto the ground.  
  
Steve stood silent for several minutes before turning his music on. "God damn smart chicks." He was mumbling.  
  
Several minutes passed like this. Birds chirped. The wind blew. The sun shined. The farmers farmed, and nobody paid the two teenagers from the twenty first centaury the slightest attention. Steve, whom was not known for his patience or intelligence, soon lost what little patience he possessed.  
  
"Are you done thinking yet?" he grumbled.  
  
"No." Abby snapped irritably.  
  
"How about now?" he asked. 

**(I'm begging you now...not one of those. Now? No. Now? No. Now? No. things!)**

"Why can't you just go in a corner and fanaticize about Liv Tyler or something?" she snarled.

**(THANK GOD!)**  
  
Steve grinned, "Why didn't I think of that sooner?" He sat down next to her on the grass and closed his eyes.  
  
Soon however he was bored. He had only seen her in three movies (The Lord of The Rings trilogy, so he had little to work with.) So he poked her. Not the brightest thing to do in this situation. His hand was instantly caught, and an elbow very shortly after found his stomach. Impact was made. Steven was not exactly happy with these transactions.  
  
"My god it's somebody's time of the month." He muttered darkly.  
  
"I won't even dignify that with an answer." She huffed.

**(Being a girl, I thought I'd let you know that means...yes, yes it is. Poor girl stuck in a fictional Midevil-esq place without her maxi-pads!)  
**  
The sun continued to shine. Some where in the distance a dog barked. Children's laughter slowly echoed its way over to them. The wind blew. The Birds chirped, and all was right in the world except the situation of our hero and heroine.

**('Cough')**

A few minutes slowly passed into a few hours. It had been nearly two when Abby rose from her perch smiling.  
  
Steve jumped up, "I take it you have a plan then Abby?"  
  
"Yes and no." she replied.  
  
"Okay.." He sighed, 'Well tell me what you have!"  
  
"Fine!" she snapped, "I'm Abby, your Steven." 

**(Just in case the ever so loyal fan base needed someone to reiterate this fact for them.)**  
  
"I know that, I'm not that thick." He snorted.

**(Really? Are you sure Stevie?)**  
  
"I've known you since kindergarten lover boy, for God's sake I hope you aren't that thick."  
  
"I'm not!" he exclaimed.  
  
"That's not that point!" Abby cried quickly becoming frustrated.

**(Then why talk about it?)**  
  
"What were we talking about again?" he asked.  
  
Abby got down on her knees, folded her hands, closed her eyes and began to pray, "Dear God, why do you mock me? If you are truly up there you will relieve me of this burden beast whom I will have to carry with me through me travels."

**('Chokes' that was so stuoid that I can't dignify that with a sarcastic comment.)  
**  
"I am perfectly capable of walking by myself Abby! And I highly doubt you could carry me! I'm nearly three times your weight!"

**(Congratulations! Want a cookie?)**

"Will you shut up?" She snarled dangerously.  
  
"Okay! Okay! As long as you don't start acting like She-who-must-be-obeyed!"  
  
"Fine, okay this is the plan. You are Abby."

**(...I can actually hear the crickets chirping...)**  
  
"But you're Abby." He interrupted.

(At least one of them can remember whose who.)  
  
"Sorry!" she exclaimed, "Anyways, I'm Abby and you're Steven. We're cousins."  
  
"But we aren't cousins." He was starring at Abby. "You didn't land on your head did you?"

**(I'm leaning towards Stevie's side of the argument. How bout you folks? This is making little to no sense at all.)  
**  
"You moron!" she cried giving him a small slap, "We have to say we are cousins, because back then single women couldn't just gallivant around without their husbands of fathers. There was no such thing as being "just friends" with a man you idiot!"

**(Arwen, Eowyn, and Galadriel are awful big sluts then.)**

"Oh, umm sorry."  
  
"It's okay Steve, I'm just stressed is all. It's not everyday that your television set sucks you into a fictional world." 

**(Hardy-har-har....that was one of the worst attempts at humor this story has yet to offer.)**

"Of course it's not every day!" he laughed, "Only on alternate Tuesdays!" 

**('Chokes and Dies' When you get in a hole stop digging people!)**  
  
"Shut up.' She muttered blushing.

**(With her dad being a lawyer, you'd think the girl would be a touch brighter and better at the whole comeback thing.)  
**  
"Okay Abs what's the rest of this plan?"  
  
"We're cousins, and we are friends Of Gandalf The Grey's. We are looking for him. We heard word that he'd be in the shire, with some people called Baggins. So we are looking for Frodo or Bilbo Baggins."  
  
'That's simple enough." He replied, "But what do we tell Gandalf once we meet him?"  
  
"The truth." She sighed.  
  
"Are you crazy Abby? He'd never believe this. I mean our story sounds like bull shit to me and I know it happened! He'd throw us in Middle Earth's loony-bin!"

**(Don't you mean insane asylum? Who the hell says loony-bin?)  
**  
"He's a wizard! He might be able to get us home!"  
  
"Bilbo might be in Rivendell right now, dying! We don't even know what time we are in. it could be years before Bilbo is even born! Or it could years after Frodo and Bilbo leave for the sea!"  
  
"What are you getting at?"

**(Just in case the slower people couldn't pick it up from blondie's frantic speech thingie.)**

"That you can't just go asking for Gandalf! He might have left years ago! And then what will we do? We'd be royally screwed!"

**(As opposed to when the peasant screw you.)**  
  
'Steve calm down. I think that we are in the Shire, a few months before Bilbo's 111th birthday party. I just feel it."  
  
"The long expected party Abby?"  
  
"Exactly!" she exclaimed.  
  
"Bullshit." He snorted.  
  
"We have to at least try Steve!"  
  
"Fine alright Abby."

**(Good job Steven, I love how resolute and firm in your beliefs you are!)**  
  
It turns out that Abby was right. It was a few months before Bilbo's 111th birthday and Frodo's 33. It was May the 14th to be exact when the two had made their unexpected arrival to Middle Earth. Let's fast-forward in time to August the 22 just because the authoress is a touch too lazy to write out each and every single day. Bilbo open hearings that these queer folk were friends of Gandalf, and had no where to stay immediately invited them to stay with him at Bag End.

They were an odd pair Lady Abby and Lord Steven, but they were well liked with the shire folk. They had open and friendly heirs around them, and their queer words and accents drew the young curious lot to them immediately. But let us not dwell on the time between the arrival and now, but this very night August the twenty second.  
  
It was on this night that the groups of young people were gathered in the inn closest to Bag End, drinking their ale and having a few laughs that Pippin, who had a bit more ale than what can be good for him asked Abby.  
  
"Abby! Abby, you both have been in the shire a long time, and you say you are cousins, but wouldn't your relations miss you? It seems all rather queer to me."

**(Thank you some one for thinking that people in strange clothes that can't even speak their common tongue which is WESTRONEESE not ENGLISH people! [Stupid fan fiction writers get nothing right!] And no nothing about how to act and stuff might be missed back home.)**  
  
Abby gulped, and looked at Steve. He looked equally as dumbstruck. Suddenly Abby thought of home. The white walls, and plush furniture. Her father's laugh, her mother's cooking. Tears welled up in her eyes.

**(Right. Okay. Did the author not describe Abby's home in chapter one? What happened to the witty prose?)  
**  
"I...umm....the thing is." She choked out.  
  
The other Hobbits were leaning forward eager to hear the story.

**(Those poor people. If this was the best gossip they could get, well then....)**

"I err." Her eyesight was becoming teary. 

**(Didn't the authoress...A.K.A. Michaela90 already say that her eyes were full of tears, therefore making that entire sentence completely irrelevant to the story?)**  
  
Steve tried to speak for her, "Well most of our relations are umm." He couldn't think of anything to say.

**(Not surprised there....nope, not at all.)**  
  
"Well, what about them?" Merry asked.  
  
"Yes please tell us." Added Frodo.  
  
"What did your father do for a living? Do you have any family heirlooms? Tell us a story about your childhood." Sam exclaimed.

**(Notice he only enquires after the _men_ of the family...'cough')**  
  
"My father umm.." Like hell she as going to tell them her father was a lawyer, she was sure they'd understand _exactly _what she was talking about.

**(There we go...there's some witty prose getting thrown in...atta girl!)**

"Well?" they asked in unison. 'Well?"

**(Annoying little buggers aren't they?)**

"I'm umm tired!" Abby exclaimed getting up from the table.

Steven stood up as well. Yea Abs, let's go." He said.

"okay." She took a deep breath and the two walked out of the pub.

**(No that doesn't seem suspicious at all.)**

They walked in silence until when out of earshot of any passerby Abby exclaimed in half heartened anger, "Where the fuck is Gandalf?"

"He's a wizard." Replied Steven trying to comfort her, "Very unpredictable and unreliable the lot of them. I mean look at Saruman, completely useless these wizard types." 

**(God, one corrupted sonvoabitch ruins it for the rest of us!)**

A deep, rich masculine voice that seemed to be suppressing laughter called to them from behind, 'Oh are we now?" it asked.  
  
The pair stopped, "Oh fuck." Abby moaned.  
  
"Oh fuck is right." Her friend replied as the slowly turned around.

**(Teehehe.....kids these days...excuse me, kids from Jersey...not that bright.)**

****

* * *

****

** Author's Notes: **_Well, thanks for reading kids...please review._


	3. Mideval measurements and an old man's en...

**Author's Notes:** _Here we go, Chapter Three, revised. Wahoo. Whoopie. Is anyone actually even reading this?_

__

_Well, if you are review._

__

* * *

The two walked back to Bilbo's house looking like whipped puppies.

**( I am not going to say anything....I am NOT going to say anything!)**

Heads bowed, eyes wide and hands still at their sides they waited for Gandalf, who had said nothing of yet, to begin reprimanding them.  
  
"What sort of greeting is this?" he asked in a half teasing half scolding voice, "I would have thought better amongst old friends."  
  
Abby's head whipped up sharply, "But we've never met you before Gandalf."

**(Just in case he forgot.)**  
  
"I'm quite aware of that myself young Abby. But that's not what you told dear Bilbo and the rest of the Shire now is it?" He said eyes shinning with mirth.  
  
"Well uh no." Steve mumbled flinching as Abby shot her notorious death glares at him.  
  
'So I've heard, younguns, so I've heard." He sat down in an armchair and lit his pipe.

**(Younguns? Younguns? For Chrissake Gandalf isn't a cowboy!)**  
  
"Well aren't you mad?" Steve asked uncertainly.  
  
"Not practically Lord Steven, why do you ask?"  
  
"Well aren't you going to ask us uncomfortable questions about where were from and the likes?"

**(Or you could ask uncomfortable questions Steve...since you are already and everything.)**  
  
"So naïve." Abby thought with a sigh, watching as his crystal blue eyes became rounder with the second, "He has no idea that the old man is just dying for us to spit it out. Quite the dramatics, Gandalf. Well I'm certainly not going to let you continue on this way."

**(Uh oh Gandalf gonna get the what for now!)**  
  
"No I should think not Lord Steven." Replied Gandalf looking into the fire.  
  
"But you are supposed to care!" Steven was getting an edge of whine to his voice.

**(Just like your birth parents from Armenia that abandoned you in the woods and left you for dead were supposed to care! What a coincidence!) **

"Am I?" he asked, with his best poker face on. Only the slight twitching at the corner of his lips betrayed what he was feeling.. vast amusement.  
  
Abby huffed to herself, "I am not going to be some old pot head's evening diversion!" 

**(Who the fuck do you think we are then bitch?)**  
  
"If you're not curious, then somebody must have told you something Gandalf." Abby said sharply, her chocolate brown eyes narrowing into thin slits. "You must now more about this then we do ourselves. Tell me what you know old man." She demanded.

**(Or she might just whip out her...'dun-dun-dun'...POWERS OF REASONABLE PERSUASION!)**

Steven stared at her, eyes ready to bulge out of his head. "Abby!" he cried, usually deep voice squeaking with anxiety, "That's no way to speak to your betters!" 

**(He learned that lesson many a tea party ago.)**  
  
Abby glared at Steven, Steven stared at Abby innocently. It continued this way for a few short moments before Abby's hand was raised. She pulled it back behind her still raised. And with an alarming speed she propelled it forward, until it came into contact with Steven's tanned cheek. Ah the laws of inertia where at work, and what a thrilling sight it was.  
  
Gandalf winced inwardly at the "Thwack!" her slap made. "Must remember to watch out for those in the future." He muttered to himself.  
  
Unfortunately for him however, he mumbled too loud, and the hand of death came descending down upon him. He didn't strike back, as many others would, or wince in pain and coward before her eyes brimmed with tears. He merely stood impassively acting as though she had just nonchalantly commented on the weather here about this time of year.

**(You suckas got served! Power to the babies!!...'cough'...)**  
  
However on the inside Gandalf was cursing the petite brunette and the she- devil that dwelled within her small frame. He was surprised that Steven, so tall and muscular, would coward before the spitfire of a woman Abby. He seemed to be nearly three times the size of her in weight and at least once over in height. She could be hardly more than fifteen hands tall, as the horse lords would say, but the power and spirit that dwelled within her seemed to shower 100 times that meager height. Her friend Lord Steven was himself just over 19 hands, Gandalf decided. An impressive and powerful height for a man. But for some reason Gandalf fancied him a little weak and dull in spirit.

**(Anyone else lost?)**  
  
"Ouch." Steven muttered, "Temper, temper, Lady Abby. We aren't at home were your wild manner is aloud to run free and without restraint."  
  
She decided to ignore him; a person only needs to receive only some many red hand marks on his face in a day.  
  
"I know not your story," Gandalf said, "Except that you are of another world. For some reasons of fate that I know not why you have been brought here, but this has happened before, a long time ago, in the first age. Perhaps you would like to tell me your story?" He asked kindly, bidding them to sit down.  
  
The two exchanged a glance, and they sat. And they told him everything.

**(Did you know that you aren't supposed to start a sentence with And you stupid bitch? Okay, I've got to be going...so many parodies to make fun of...so little time!)**

****

**

* * *

**

****

**Author's Notes: **_Hope you all are enjoying this, if anyone out there is actually reading it? _

__

_(Sigh)_

**  
**


	4. Ain't dropping no eaves, Mr Gandalf Sir

A/N Howdy yall! **Tips cow girl hat salutations! ** I've just submitted chapter 3, even though I wrote it last night, meaning December the 8th, but then my computer decided to be evil and froze. Well that's life; at least it saved my chappie! WAHOOO! However I'm going writing crazy.and inspirations keep coming at me from out of no where.I am such a random person. And I'm sort of sticking to this because I'm itching to write a Pride and Prejudice fanfic where the characters are in high school, but I've got too many unfinished fanfics up already. I'm going to finish one of these suckers before starting anything new. It's incredibly hard, but I'll manage. Now, this chapter is going to be all about Steve and Abby's past. Although I'm still not going into lots of detail about their looks. I hate stories that are like.  
  
"She had long blond hair, with dark highlights and big blue eyes."  
  
My kind of character descriptions are like."Abby threw herself onto her bed in frustration, dark chestnut hair disarray, small fists beating at the straw mattress, and chocolate brown eyes red with tears." Oh what excellent use of similes I have! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Right, now that I've reached my right state of mind again, I'll continue with my ever so wonderful author's notes. These things are so wonderful cause; it lets me get my feelings out and onto paper, and warms me up and inspires some of my best thought out jokes.  
  
Guess what friends; I have an anecdote to tell you.  
  
This story all started because of a stranger at the movies. My parents, Lord of the Rings freaks, (god love em.) Are all hyped up about Return of the King. They were talking about it, and when we could buy tickets for the opening night, which made me remember when we saw The Fellowship of The Ring. In theatres.  
  
It was unearthly quite as Boromir fought the orcs and had the arrows in him ya know? Well as he goes to his knees with like six arrows in his chest, (poor baby) some dude yells, "Take it like a man Boromir!" And the whole audience burst out laughing.  
  
You might have noticed that the "Take it like a man Boromir!" was the first line of this story. Well thanks strange dude with funny lines, without you I would have never been inspired to write this fic. **Wipes a tear out of eye**  
  
Anyway, ON WITH THE CHAPTER..wait.no.disclaimer time.all this plot.well you people know..no fanficer would actually believe that I own Lord of The Rings, do they? Well if they do I'm flattered, but sad enough to say, I do not own it, J.R.R. Tolkein does.  
  
Now.ON WITH THE CHAPTER!  
  
Steve had been doing most of the talking, "Abby and I have known each other since kindergarten," he said giving his best friend a warm smile, unfortunately it made his right cheek hurt, which reminded him of the slap, which changed the smile into an evil glare. Or as evil as he could manage, which really I dare say is, more of a slightly confused and puzzled face, with pouty lips, and blond eyebrows drawn together. Needless to say, a rather ridiculous picture, and therefore doing exactly the opposite job than that of the intended. But less us not dwell on the facial expressions of said person, and continue on with the plot line of the story, which happens to be much more important. Even if Steve does look absolutely adorable when making said face.  
  
"The first time I met her I pushed her in a puddle of mud, and later that day she put mud in my shoes and super glued my hands behind my back. Which was painful," he added with a grimace.  
  
Abby smirked evilly.  
  
"But that's not the important part is it Gandalf?" he asked surveying the wizard. "What would you like to know?"  
  
The wizard chuckled at the mock hate of each other the two children portrayed so openly. "Well, there a few things for certain." He said neither smiling nor frowning, "And that is, what country are you from, and what year do they call it? What are the customs of the your time? And where do you stand in society?"  
  
Steve looked slightly puzzled. "Well uh, let me think here. We are from The United States of America, and well it's more commonly known as the U.S.A. It was the year two thousand two. When we left. There aren't really customs of our time you know? Because everybody is so diverse that it depends on where you live.and well. Social standing? Well I'm the Quarter back on our schools high school team, and I'm therefore instantly popular, Abby here however is somewhat anti-social. And well. What else Abs?"  
  
It was now the wizard's turn to look thoroughly confused.  
  
"You really are a complete moron aren't you, Steven Paul McPatterson?" Abby asked with a sigh.  
  
"Hey!" he exclaimed looking at her, "You are the smart one in this little duo of ours Abby! I just say what fits in this head of mine." He rapped on his skull. "Ouch." He muttered rubbing were he had hit.  
  
"Which isn't that much is it Steve?" Abby asked with a solemn expression, only the sparkling of her brown eyes gave away her playful joking.  
  
"Hey! I have subject verb agreement here! Subject verb agreement!"  
  
"Yea," She replied hoping up from her perch, "Me want that." She used a deep, guttural sounding voice imitating a troll she had seen in a movie before.  
  
"I can speak better than that.," he growled eyeing Abby like a piece of meat.  
  
"HIDE ME GANDALF!" she shrieked as he hoped up and lunged towards her. Or attempted too.  
  
Bag End may have been quite the luxurious hobbit hole, but even Abby had to bend her knees a wee bit to get through the doorway. Steven was about a foot and a half taller than Abby's five one, and needless to say, as you must have already guessed, His head hit the ceiling with a, "THWACK!" that made the windows rattle.  
  
Before poor Steven could even cry out, he slumped onto the floor, unconscious.  
  
Abby bit her lip, "Ouch." She finally stated in a matter-of-fact voice.  
  
"Ouch indeed' Gandalf replied. He shook Steven's shoulder slightly, but to no avail for it did not wake him, "He'll need elvish medicine." He diagnosed.  
  
"It's only a concussion, give him a cat scan and a couple of Tylenol and he'll be fine." Abby said in a laughing voice.  
  
Gandalf stared, "This is not a slight wound Lady Abby. Lord Steven could have done severe damage to his mind."  
  
"Maybe for the better?" Abby asked in a half heartened joking voice.  
  
"No." Gandalf relied, "Without elvish medicine it will be decidedly for the worst."  
  
"Oh." Abby replied, face downcast, "Well this sucks." She announced as Gandalf rushed out of the room to fetch Bilbo.  
  
But something inside her head was contradicting herself, "Maybe Legolas will already be there Abby."  
  
Abby smirked, "Maybe he will." She said out loud and to no one in particular.  
  
They had been riding in this rickety wagon, FOREVER Abby had announced for the billionth time. But none of her other companions seemed to agree. It was an extremely odd party, Made up of Abby, Who was sitting on the back of the cart with her legs hanging off the side, Steven, slowly by slowly coming back to consciousness, was laid down except his upper part which was propped upwards, Gandalf who sat up front and drove, Bilbo who sat next to him chatting merrily, and the four younger generations of Hobbits.  
  
Abby chuckled out loud, thinking of the state she had been in when the young hobbits walked in.  
  
Gandalf had walked back into the room and was surprised, no shocked when He had head Abby mutter, "I wonder if this changes the story at all."  
  
He had pressed Abby for this "story." And she was at first reluctant to tell him. Actually, she had been reluctant to tell him through the whole thing, but damn! When he does the grow-super-tall and scary looking thing, like he had down to Bilbo in the movie when the argued about the ring. She had gotten scared. It had creeped her out to see him do that in the first movie, even when her father had been rambling on about how it was all just computer imagery to soothe the nerves of her frightened little brother. But it was MUCH more scary, when seeing it in person, and even more scary when being on the receiving end.  
  
So Abby had told him how in her world, Gandalf, Bilbo and the others were all just fictional characters and somehow she had been drawn into the "fictional" world. He had seemed intrigued by the idea of fictional worlds and had questioned Abby endlessly about what she knew. She had meant not to spill, but she spilled, almost all of it, mentioning that war would soon be upon Middle Earth and a fellowship of nine companions would try to destroy the ring. And the fact that the ring was in Bilbo's possession. She had begged him not to change the story and leave too early. When she heard something outside the window.  
  
"Get down" He had urged her, and she got down.  
  
Gandalf whipped out his staff and did that whole little bit where he hit same on the head with his staff and chucked him onto the table.  
  
"SAMWISE GAMGEE!" he roared, "HAVE YOU BEEN EASEDROOPING?"  
  
"We haven't been dropping no eaves sir, honest!" He cried frightened.  
  
"We eh?" Gandalf muttered, "We?"  
  
"Y-yes sir, Mr. Gandalf sir." Sam stammered, "The four of us were just trimming the hedge a bit."  
  
"A little late for gardening is it not?" he asked menacingly, Over in a dark corner Abby cringed.  
  
He shoved Sam aside and pulled out two Hobbits, Frodo and Merry, by the arms.  
  
"Abby!" he bellowed, "Get the other one!"  
  
Abby jumped up out of her perch and rushed over to the window and managed to grab Pippin, by the collar as he had begun to run away. Down on the table with him too.  
  
"What have you heard!" He roared.  
  
All the hobbits, winced shuddered and made other frightened faces. "Nothing sir!" Merry exclaimed.  
  
There was silence.  
  
Gandalf seemed to be slowly relaxing until Pippin; fool of a Took ruined the charm.  
  
"Well actually," he said calmly, "Quite a bit about fictional worlds, and time travel, and then about how some gold ring Bilbo has is going to rule the world. But not anything more, HONESTLY!"  
  
There four cries of, "PIPPIN!" and then a very loud "OUCH!" coming from the said hobbit himself.  
  
And now here they were headed to Rivendell, five hobbits, a wizard, a man, and a woman.  
  
It was long, slow, rickety, journey, and it was nowhere near over, so Abby did the only thing she could do, she made up an extremely annoying song, and sang it she did.  
  
'THERE ONCE WAS A KITTY KAT, KITTY KAT, KITTY KAT!"  
  
I know you are all going to say update soon! So I will! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You'll never get rid of me! NEVER! Oh the kitty kat song, and that's only the first line is was created by my friend Tessa, she owns all the rights and stuff  
  
"There once was a kitty kat (kitty kat) (kitty kat) (kitty kat)  
  
His name was Pitty Pat (Pitty Pat) (Pitty Pat) (Pitty pat)  
  
He liked to chit chat (chit chat) (chit chat) (chit chat)  
  
With the other kitty kats (kitty kays) (kitty kays) (kitty kats)"  
  
Ah music.:D 


	5. leaving too early, and using apples to s...

Author's notes time! YAY!  
  
Okay, It's official, I'm insane. Do you want to see the pretty certificate they gave me? Do you? DO YOU? The time is 7:58 pm on a Tuesday evening. You know what I've done today? Wrote fan fiction. THAT'S IT. My friends think I'm a freak or something because I don't hang with them a lot after school. Well personally, SIX hours a day, every freaking day is more than enough of my friends for me. I'm a girl that needs my down time, but honestly, this is overkill. Let me think hear, I wrote chapter three last night. I wrote chapter four this afternoon. I took a break to read some fanfics and no here I am after dinner writing yet again. But really, I'm getting all these inspirations and stuff.and ooohh we are going to have some creepy black riders soon! Yay! And I promise that we've got some strider action coming up in this chapter or the next, (sigh)  
  
Gandalf was actually beginning to believe there was something wrong with Abby. She had long since stopped singing the song about Pitty Pat the kitty cat and had moved onto something even more obnoxious.  
  
"This is the song that never ends! It just goes on and on my friends! Some people started singing it not knowing what it was."  
  
Pippin threw an apple at her, which she caught, with her open mouth. "That'll keep her quiet for a minute or two." Sam grumbled unhappily.  
  
"Let's only hope so." Added Merry.  
  
Laughing Frodo said, "Let's sing her a song we know and see how she likes it."  
  
Pippin grinned, "Bilbo's walking song!"  
  
"I'll sing to that." Nodded Sam.  
  
"And I!" cried Merry.  
  
"And I." Added Frodo still laughing.  
  
Before the four could start however Abby's voice cut them off. She was singing loudly, very loudly. Astonished the hobbits stared at her as she sang the words that any true Lord of the Rings fan knows by heart, "The Road has gone ever on and on down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the road has gone, and I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with eager feet, Until it joins some larger way. Where many paths and errands meet. And whither than? I cannot say." The words correct, as was the beat but, the tune and pitch were absolutely atrocious. And so for some many minutes longer Bilbo lectured on the tune and pitch of each word. Not that the five now merry, travelers paid much attention. Steve was waking up, slowly and painfully. His bed he could soon tell was made from traveling cloaks and a pit of hay, and it was laid upon a rickety cart. He sat up slowly, finding that his body ached all over. People around him were talking and laughing, but the words reached his ear slowly and they didn't really register in his mind, which he soon realized was pounding something horrible.  
  
"Bilbo, you know the way to Bree of course?" It seemed like Gandalf was speaking but his words were slow and drawled out.  
  
"Of course I do!" Bilbo huffed, "I've been to the lonely mountain and back, and you think I can't make it to Bree?"  
  
Gandalf chuckled, "Just one of those things one always has to ask dear Bilbo, just one of those things."  
  
Steve looked around for the source of the noise. It was hard to see.  
  
"Am I blind?" he thought panicked, "Or is it night?"  
  
"I need to travel to the White tower, to get the council of my leader Saruman, he is both wise and powerful, he will no what to do."  
  
"Don't go to Saruman!" Steve wanted to cry out. But for some reason it was if his mouth was too dry to form the words, and he couldn't really think of why seeing Saruman was such a bad thing anymore.  
  
"You will leave us Gandalf?"  
  
"I am afraid I must, there a more important reasons to get to Rivendell then Steven's injuries."  
  
Bilbo chuckled but it was half hearted, "You never have one motive Gandalf, I knew there was something else, tell me."  
  
"Evil is out on the look for," he paused and drew in a deep breath, "You're ring."  
  
"My ring?" he asked confused.  
  
"Your ring," replied Gandalf, "for it has unnatural powers of a great amount, more than just turning you invisible Bilbo. For almost one hundred and eleven years old, you are remarkably well preserved. Do you think it natural Bilbo my old friend?"  
  
"Yes." He huffed, a hobbit's pride getting the better of him, "The Bagginess have always had natural good looks and good health you see."  
  
"But Bilbo," Gandalf said gently, lighting his pipe. "To be one hundred and eleven years old and not look a day above fifty? Come now."  
  
"I suppose you are right." Bilbo sighed, "I suppose you are right. But I still think it odd."  
  
"And so you should my old friend, I find it odd myself."  
  
"But this evil that follows us Gandalf? What of that?" Bilbo asked now lighting his own pipe.  
  
"The evil I speak of is searching for your ring, I dare say, I dare hope that it is not yet sure of where to look. It is most important that I speak to Saruman and find the creature Gollum."  
  
"Gollum? That slimy little rat? How does he tie into all this nonsense." Bilbo questioned.  
  
"More than I would hope Bilbo, more than I would hope." Gandalf then stopped to take a big huff.  
  
It'll be good to be out on an adventure again. I've longed to do this for so long. I truly do need a holiday Gandalf. I truly do. I may not look old, as you say, but I feel it. Like butter scarped over too much bread. Yes I need a holiday Gandalf."  
  
"I'm leaving you as soon as I should finish my pipe, Bilbo. You need to get to Bree, as fast as you can. None of this hobbit dawdling with second breakfasts and luncheon and afternoon tea. If they really and truly insist give them an apple. But don't stop until nightfall, and keep off the rode."  
  
"I can cut across country easily enough." Bilbo replied smiling a little, "With my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back."  
  
Gandalf chuckled but soon grew somber, "When you get to Bree, I want you to go to the Inn, the Prancing Pony. The barkeeper their, a very forgetful fellow, has a letter for you, from me. If I am not their in three days time, and neither is the other escort I have provided I trust you can try and make it to Rivendell by yourself?"  
  
"I have not been on the road to Rivendell in some time Gandalf, but I have faith that you shall make it, and if you do not, we will manage."  
  
"Good, good."  
  
"Anything else Gandalf?"  
  
"N-n, Yes! I want you to give the ring to Frodo."  
  
"What ever for?" "It's too important to you for you to carry it."  
  
"It's mine!' he exclaimed beginning to get defensive, "Why should I not be able to keep it?"  
  
"You have borne it too long Bilbo. You will feel to drawn to it when danger is near. You will put it on."  
  
"And what's wrong with putting on the ring!"  
  
"The evil that I worn you of hunt it. They sense it strongly when the ring bearer decides to wear it. They will be on your track in a second!"  
  
"You are trying to trick me! You just want it for yourself!"  
  
"There's no need to get angry. Parting with the ring is not so very hard, is it now?"  
  
"Well no-and yes. Now it comes to it, I don't feel like parting with it at all I may say. And I don't really see why I should. Why do you want me to?" And a change came over his voice, from slightly defensive to very angry and annoyed, "You are always badgering me about my ring; but you have never bothered me about the other things I have got on my journey."  
  
"I was professionally interested in it Bilbo my old friend, and you will not need it will you? Give the ring to Frodo and carry on with your journey. Perhaps you can settle down in Rivendell and finish your book. You will not need it on your journey, unless I am quite mistaken"  
  
"And why not?' he asked sharply. "What business is of yours what I do with my on things? Why would it be in better hands with Frodo than it is with me? Why should you care?"  
  
"It's time to give up the ring Bilbo, there is no need to get angry."  
  
"If I'm angry it's your own fault! It's mine I tell you! It came to me! It's mine. My own. My precious."  
  
"Precious?" Gandalf asked peering at him, "It's been called that before but not by you."  
  
"But I say it now. And why not? Even if Gollum said the same once. It's not his now, but mine. And I shall keep it I say."  
  
Gandalf spoke sternly, "You will be a fool if you do, Bilbo," he said, "You make that clearer with every word you say. It has got far too much hold on you. Let it go! And then you can go yourself, and be free."  
  
"I'll do as I choose you old coot! And I shall go as I please, if it pleases me!" Bilbo growled stubbornly.  
  
"Now, now my dear hobbit!" said Gandalf, "All your long life we have been friends, and you owe me something. Come! Do as you said you were going to when you told me plans of your will! Give the ring to Frodo!"  
  
"Well if you want my ring yourself, say so!" cried Bilbo, "But you won't get it! I won't give my precious away! I tell you!" Bilbo's hand strayed to the hilt of his sword Sting.  
  
Gandalf's eyes flashed with anger. "It will be my turn to get angry soon." He said, "Then you shall see Gandalf the Grey uncloaked." He took a step towards the hobbit, and e seemed to grow tall and menacing; his shadow filled the air around him, even though it was night.  
  
"G-Gandalf." He croaked stepping away, "What has come over you?" His hand, which had been clutching the pocket on his breast where the ring in question lay protectively slowly, descended to his side. "I am not a robber Gandalf, I am not a thief."  
  
"I never called you one." Gandalf replied smiling softly. "I wish you would trust me as you used." He turned away and the shadow passed, he seemed to grow into the gray old man again, troubled and bent.  
  
"I am sorry." Said Bilbo. "The ring shall go to Frodo." He took it out of his pocket and outstretched it towards Gandalf. Gandalf however took a step back.  
  
"Do not hand that ring to me dear Bilbo. Put in this envelope and lay it next to Steven. Then go to sleep, and do not face it."  
  
Bilbo took the envelope from Gandalf, and placed the ring inside. He seemed forlorn like he had parted with a loved one, but he parted with it nonetheless, and placed it by Steven's side.  
  
"I take my leave of you dear Bilbo." Said Gandalf, "May you reach the prancing Pony safe. Tell the hobbits and Lady Abby and Lord Steven, if he happens to awake of my departure, but do not fret, for I shall soon return."  
  
"Godspeed to you Gandalf." Bilbo replied watching as Gandalf unhitched one of the two horses attached to the cart. "Come back to us safely."  
  
"I shall try old friend, I shall try." And with that he departed.  
  
Yes, I know, chapter five was almost entirely dialogue, and most of it was stolen from the scene in the shire at Bag End when Bilbo leaves afer the party and the two argue over the ring. I've got my Fellowship of the ring right next to me for a reference guide, **pats the book** good bookie. But you people do realize, that Bilbo has been mentioned since the second chapter and hasn't had a line until chapter five! (Gasp) and with Bilbo on the journey I had to make the ring go to Frodo somehow. (Sigh) fan fiction is so complicated sometimes. I have to make Frodo get the ring, because there is a key scene that triggers the meeting of hobbits to Strider, and that I want to keep almost the same, along with other things. I've skipped Tom Bombadil, and when they meet the elves in the woods for some main reasons. Abby and Steve were sucked into the movie, not the book. So I'm following the movie version, and I don't have the extended version so sorry.  
  
I guess that clears it up for now. REVIEW MY TASTY LITTLE REVIEWERS REVIEW! I deserve some reviews! I've added three chapters in a few hours.YAY ME! **Gives self a cookie** oh and I know that Abby is a little tinsy bit Mary Sueish at one part.but don't worry she'll come back to us. And yes Abby thinks legolas is hot. But she WILL NOT end up with him.or then again. .I'm not telling..i will leave you is suspense! Ha! 


	6. Recoveries & Legolas's as a smurf?

A/N May God Bless. (Or uhh.Allah, or ummm..I don't know any other god's...sorry..no offence to anybody! We are studying The Middle East in Social Studies and well.There's this big test coming up about the Qur'an, and Allah seems to be the only thing I can think about!) Anyway, may your god bless E-mail, review alert. Allowing me to see all your scrumptious little reviews before they get posted on the sight! Everybody so far is like, "Oo0o0ooh this is soooo funny update soon!" Well.*gives reviewers a charming smile and a wink," While all you delightful people are waiting for me to post another chapter, read something else by yours truly! If you've read Harry Potter, I highly recommend To Love You Is A Sin I Hold Dearly To My Heart, which is listed in my profile. It's ever so angsty and full of good healthy slash. I think another thing that's pretty good of mine is, The Dairy of Blaise Zabini: How A slytherin thinks. GIRL BLAISE! Now that I've shamelessly plugged my fic and I don't feel like putting up a disclaimer soo0o0o0oo ON WITH THE CHAPTER.  
  
Abby awoke the next morning to the sound of birds chirping and the smell of fried tomatoes sizzling in a frying pan. "Why did I fall asleep in the kitchen?" She though to herself until the loud snapping of a twig nearby rendered back the memories of the day before. Her first thought was, "I've got to apologize to Steve." As she cracked her eyes open to allow in the morning light.  
  
Unfortunately for her there wasn't much morning light to allow in. She was about to close her eyes and drift back to sleep, but Pippin who she was being to conceive as more annoying than cute and foolish spotted her.  
  
"Abby!" he cried joyously, "You are up and awake! It's about time! Mr.Bilbo and Mr. Frodo have been up for nearly an hour hence! Mr. Gandalf however has gone away for a short time to speak to another wizard. Saruman is his name says Mr. Bilbo."  
  
'Pippin," Abby interrupted, "If you ever so much as dare to think to address me with so much cheerfulness when I have just woken up, I will rip off your testicles as a prelude to applying for a restraining order."  
  
The pan clattered to the ground. All of the hobbits stared at her, in an absolute state of horror. Pippin stared and then suddenly let out a big yelp, covered his privates and ran towards Bilbo.  
  
It was absolutely silent until Steven let out a weak chuckle from His bed on the Gandalf's cart.  
  
"You never were a morning person, where you Abby?'  
  
"Hell no." She grumbled. The frying pan was picked up. Slowly conversation started up again. Everything seemed normal once more.  
  
Later that morn, Abby was beginning to be her normal chipper self once more. She approached Steven with a tray of fried tomatoes and nice crispy bacon in one hand and sat down next to him.  
  
"Hungry?" She asked pushing it under his nose.  
  
"A lot." He replied trying to hold his breath.  
  
"Eat. You dunderhead, or did that little accident of yours render you completely useless?"  
  
"Can't." he replied, but he sounded angry at the fact.  
  
She batted her eyelashes playfully, "Why ever not best friend of mine?"  
  
"I tried." He grunted.  
  
"Tried?' she raised a brown eyebrow.  
  
"Yes." He replied looking off into the trees.  
  
"What do you mean tried?" she asked.  
  
"Inhale deeply through your nose and you'll know." He muttered.  
  
For once in her life Abby did as she was told, it was too early and Steve was too vulnerable looking to think of any good comebacks. What she smelled, was not remarkably pleasant. She looked over the side of the cart, and felt like making a pile of her own to join with it just from the sight.  
  
"Ew Steve." She managed to say after taking a deep breath.  
  
"Gee," he mumbled, "Sometimes I wish it was one of those preppy cheerleaders that came along to middle earth with me. At least she would have been compassionate."  
  
"I am compassionate." Abby snorted.  
  
Steve rolled his eyes, "You have a rather odd way of showing it."  
  
"Well," she replied smiling, "According to you, everything I do is odd. Why should this be any different?"  
  
He laughed, but it soon turned into a coughing fit. As soon as he settled again Abby said, "Nice singing there slim." But her concern was evident in her voice.  
  
"Think you'll nominate me for a Grammy?" He replied eyelids closing.  
  
"You know it Stevy." She returned, smiling as he quickly dropped back asleep. "Wait a second." She thought. "You aren't supposed to let people with concussions go to sleep. They could go into a coma."  
  
"BILBO!" she screeched, but that was enough to wake up Steve with a start.  
  
"Abby!" he exclaimed, "What was that about?"  
  
"Don't go to sleep Steve." She warned dangerously.  
  
He stared at her before asking, "Why not?"  
  
"You might have a concussion; I don't want you to go into a coma." She replied eyes narrowed and tone biting.  
  
"Abby!" he laughed, "How stupid do you think the hobbits and Gandalf are?"  
  
She took a glance over to where the hobbits were sitting around a fire; Pippin was sucking on the palm of his hand looking angry while the others laughed. Apparently he had burnt himself on the pan. "Well I don't know about them." She said using her head to gesture over to where the hobbits sat. "And as for Gandalf." Abby looked around the area for him. "Where is the little bugger by the by?"  
  
"Did you just say by the by Abby?" he asked laughing.  
  
She stared at him for a few moments thinking, then her mouth formed a very round "Oh" and her hand went up to cover it.  
  
"Well." He said thoughtfully, "We've lived in Middle Earth for a while now. It was only a matter of time before we picked up their lingo."  
  
She laughed, "Since when do you say lingo? What kind of valley girl are you?"  
  
"So sorry." He coughed, "The woman in me is escaping again. Better suppress it."  
  
She just looked at him and smiled, "Glad to see you're back with us Steve, Glad to see you're back with us."  
  
He grinned and announced, "I'm going back to sleep." So Abby hopped off the cart and walked over to the hobbits. Pippin, she noticed pulled his legs together and leaned forward on his hands as if to protect his "unmentionables," in any way he could.  
  
She turned towards him and smiled even if it was a bit evilly, "Sorry about that a little slip of mine Pippin. If I really wanted to hurt you I wouldn't have said anything, just lunged."  
  
From the look on Pippin's face, Abby had the distinct feeling that he didn't find that all too comforting. "Don't worry." She added, "I haven't got it out for you, only little ocsies.but that's just to disgusting to even try."  
  
"Orcs?' asked Pippin voice squeaking a little.  
  
"Yea, orcs.ugly little things, once were elves a long time ago.any of this ringing a bell here?"  
  
"I've heard stories." He mumbled.  
  
She stared at him. "Okay. Anyway, Bilbo, don't you think it's time we started going wherever we're going?"  
  
He smiled at her, "We're headed to Bree Lady Abby."  
  
"Oh Bree! Right, all we need is Gandalf then." She said as Frodo put out the fire.  
  
"Gandalf's gone Abby, didn't you know?" Merry asked.  
  
"G-Gone?" She asked face paling.  
  
"Well yes," said Sam, "He had to go and speak to another one of those wizard types. We're meeting him in Bree. And then we'll go to see the elves!"  
  
"Gandalf's gone?" she asked.  
  
"Why yes!" Pippin cried, "I told you first thing this morn. Didn't you hear me?"  
  
"Oh so sorry Pippin, I was too busy thinking of the 175 ways I know to rid you of your man hood you, and not one of them is pain free."  
  
He took a slow step back and let out a strangled yelp before leaping behind bilbo who was chuckling merrily.  
  
"What are you scared of Pippin-me-boy? Lady Abby was only joking. Weren't you?" He added giving her a sideways look.  
  
"Well uh.." In truth she hadn't been, because when Pippin had been chattering the first thing that popped into her mind was, "must kill," but since Pippin looked downright horrified she decided to comply with the will of the elder hobbit. "Of course I was Pip!"  
  
She stood smiling until remembering what had brought about this conversation in the first place.  
  
"So Gandalf has left us, to speak to another wizard?" she said slowly and carefully as if she knew nothing.  
  
"Yes." Replied Bilbo as he sat him on the front of the cart, "Saruman the white is his name. His is both wise and powerful or so says Gandalf."  
  
"This is not good." Abby muttered to herself as the the cart began to move, "In fact this is very, very, very bad."  
  
They rode for quite some time and in various states of contentment. Merry and Pippin especially Pippin, (to nobodies' surprise) were complaining about the lack of food in their stomachs. Sam was muttering darkly about what his Gaffer would, and would not approve of, Bilbo kept stating that he felt weary, and Frodo was worrying over the weary Bilbo, because long had their acquaintance been and this was the first of times Frodo had ever heard Bilbo state that he was weary. And lastly Abby was absolutely horrified over the sad turn of events that had happened while she was asleep. She had most earnestly hoping that she could prevent Gandalf from going to the white tower, therefore not letting Saruman know so early on that the ring of power had been found. The less saruman knew of the ring, all the better, had been Abby's thinking for it gave Saruman less time, even if only a little less time to build his army of orici. However it was essential for Gandalf to somehow find out of Saruman's deception. Abby was planning on telling Gandalf herself.  
  
Now however, it was all amiss, and Gandalf was probably just arriving at the white Tower and speaking with Saruman himself. It seemed like all was going according to plan with the story, and was simply building its way around Steven and Abby's presence making them into characters themselves. And Abby did not like it, not in the least bit.  
  
They had now been on the road to Bree for several days. Abby was growing very restless as were the other hobbits.  
  
"Tell me," she said one night as it began to rain lightly, "What is the quickest way from this spot to Bree? And why aren't we taking it?"  
  
Bilbo laughed, but it soon turned into a light cough. Abby was sure her eyes and ears were not deceiving her. Bilbo had given up the ring, but Frodo did not wear it around his neck like in the movie, so where was it?  
  
"I'd reckon," said Merry, "That the quickest way out of here would be the Buckleberry Ferry. But that's ten miles to the east of here."  
  
'We can't cross any Ferry in a cart." Bilbo huffed, "we'll have to take the long way round."  
  
"But Bilbo," said Frodo, "If some were to go first and then the others come next with the cart would it work?  
  
"There's a chance it might Frodo-me-lad. But you most remember horses don't like water, not in the least bit, and hobbit Ferries were not made to accommodate a horse of this size."  
  
"That's true." Said Sam.  
  
"We've dawdled too long Bilbo, I say we follow Frodo's idea." Pippin said.  
  
"Yea." Abby agreed.  
  
Bilbo sighed, "Fine, fine, but if we should all drown do not blame it on me."  
  
It was their good fortune however, that they did not drown. And the whole party made it across safely. Now they headed to the prancing pony with alarming speed because it was beginning to rain rather hard and well, there was thunder and lightening off to the west. Abby and Steve had vainly been trying to describe to the hobbits how lightening came out of the ground and why thunder made it's noise but it really was no use and soon after gave up the pursuit of knowledge.  
  
"Steve?" Abby asked looking at him with a slightly maniacal grin.  
  
"Yea Ab?" he replied as they wheeled up the muddy pathway in the cart.  
  
"I've just realized how many people would kill to be sitting in this god damn cart, in the rain heading towards the Prancing Pony Inn."  
  
"Just?" he asked amused.  
  
"Just," she said with a smile.  
  
"I realized that when we had our first little chat about subject verb agreement back in may." He said shaking his head.  
  
"You still remember that?" she asked.  
  
"Like it was yesterday."  
  
"How am I supposed to consider that a good thing? Considering you couldn't even remember were you had placed you cloak when we took a walk earlier."  
  
"Short term memory is probably ruined because of that incident Abby." He said giving his head a light tap.  
  
They sat in silence for a few moments. "Steve," Abby said.  
  
"Yea Abby?"  
  
"If Strider's door swings both ways You are going to be my.servant our whole stay in Rivendell!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Aw come on Stevy! Don't you remember? Aragorn Boromir versus Arwen Eowyn?"  
  
"Now I remember! You are so on Abby. There is no chance of Aragorn and Bormir, no chance!"  
  
"Maybe they need a prod in the right direction hmm?"  
  
"Abby, you aren't going to try to change the subplot of the story so that it forms to your will are you?"  
  
"Well.."  
  
"ABBY! I'm warning you, don't!"  
  
"A girl can dream, Steve, a girl can dream."  
  
"Speaking of dreaming, do you realize its not too long to Rivendell now?"  
  
"Oh gods!"  
  
"If Arwen and Eowyn get together, you will.you will have to dye Legolas's hair and face blue!"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"I've always wanted to call that guy a smurf."  
  
"No! NO smurfs! I hate smurfs! They are like the anti-christ of cartoons!"  
  
"They are just little blue guys! What did they ever do to you?"  
  
She shuddered."I'm not going to answer that."  
  
A/N Well that's my update.I'm kind of scared that Abby is turning into a little too much of a Mary Sue..and no black riders and strider..(sigh) I'm getting there, I'm getting there. If you want to here a really disturbing true story about smurfs e-mail me..because the hatred of smurfs comes from my own personal experience. Lol.Just to let yall know, Steve is kind of still out of it.but recovering..so yay!  
  
Brunette at door and Black mage have the most cookies! Wahoo..  
  
"Shhh."  
  
"Turn out the lights."  
  
"Get behind the couch."  
  
"But I want to open the door Merry!"  
  
"PIPPIN!"  
  
"Oh my good, get the fuck down! There they are!"  
  
"SHHHHH!"  
  
"Okay, okay!"  
  
"Move your elbow!"  
  
"SHHH!"  
  
Brunette at door: Where are we?  
  
Blackmage12: I haven't the faintest.  
  
Lord of the Rings Characters: SURPRISE!  
  
Brunette at door: What the heck? 


	7. One of them rangers

(A/N what has happened to my darling reviewers? Oh well, guess I'll write, here you go.  
  
Blah blah blah..I don't own a whole bunch of stuff, Blah blah, blah.)  
  
The Prancing Pony Inn was extraordinarily crowded with the people of Bree, both men and woman as well as a few foreigners, much more crowded than the movie portrayed. They spoke briefly with the barkeep who told them there were some nice hobbit size rooms available, but nothing for the two humans, who then exclaimed that hobbit size lodgings were perfectly agreeable with them. The barkeeper had to raise his eyebrows at that, glancing over Steven's impressive height.  
  
"I should think not young master," He replied while Steven tried to explain to him that he'd had spent the last few months of his life in a hobbit hole.  
  
"It's impossible!" he cried hearing a summarized tale of their stay.  
  
"No! No!" Steven was saying, "A hobbit size room will suit me just fine!"  
  
"And what of the lady?" he asked turning towards Abby, "Surely you don't keep the same room as the gentlemen?"  
  
"I do." Replied Abby, icily.  
  
The barkeeper looked ready to choke on his own tongue, 'That is highly improper!" he exclaimed in a what-time-yesterday-were-you-born voice.  
  
"It is improper in your standards for a sister to share a sleeping quarter with her brother?" she replied.  
  
He looked between the two of them. They looked no more like a brother and a sister than a cat looks like a dog. He decided to say nothing more on the matter.  
  
"Alright then I'll have Bess, fix up those rooms nice and comfortable for you, and did you have a horse or a cart with you?"  
  
They replied that they did.  
  
"Well I'll best get Thengedon to hitch them up in the stable, but that costs extra you know. Do you have the money for it."  
  
They assured the barkeeper that they could afford the price.  
  
"Well why don't you all settle in then?" he asked in a jovial voice and showed them to a table, made from rotting wood and surrounded by eight rickety chairs.  
  
After a few minutes a scandalously clad barmaid appeared and curtseyed, "My lords and lady," she said the last word with an icy bite "Is there anything you should like to have from the kitchens? Or anything that you should like to drink?"  
  
They made their orders hastily, wanting to reach the bar as quickly as possible; Abby quickly scanned the room and the BINGO! There was Aragorn smoking his pipe in the same corner as usual and by the looks of it the hobbits had noticed as well.  
  
"That fellow," Sam muttered to Frodo, "Has been starring at us all night."  
  
Frodo took a glance over, "Has he?"  
  
"Yes." Replied Sam.  
  
"Excuse me," Frodo said, trying to catch the barkeeper's attention, "Who is that man?"  
  
"Oh him?" he asked looking darkly over to the corner, "That's one of them rangers, We don't know his name hereabouts so most call him Strider."  
  
"I see." Replied the hobbit.  
  
Bilbo cast Abby a sideways glance, it always unnerved him how she seemed to know everything. She was looking off into the corner where Strider sat with a wry smile gracing her lips.  
  
Many moments passes by with relative silence from the group, the only two that really talked were Merry and Pippin, who as usual drank more ale than they ought, such was the case when Merry returned from the bar carrying an enormous tankard, well enormous to the hobbits at least.  
  
"What's that?" Pippin asked eyes wide as he watched the foaming drink.  
  
"This my friend, is a pint." Replied Merry licking his lips.  
  
"It comes in pints?" he asked astonished, when Merry said nothing but happily took a sip of his ale Pippin sprang from his chair saying, "I'm getting one."  
  
"But you've already had two!" Frodo called to his retreating back.. Pippin however didn't pay the slightest heed.  
  
"Frodo? Frodo Baggins?" Pippin was saying to a man at the bar, "Yes I know a Frodo Baggins, he' my second cousin on my mother' side."  
  
"Pippin no!" Frodo cried hoping from his seat; Bilbo had given them strict orders to go by fake names. But as he rushed forward, someone turned around and caused him to fall. The ring flung out of his breast pocket which had been its abode and into the air. Frodo outstretched his hand and the ring landed over his finger and slid down, and Frodo disappeared with a small "pop"  
  
There was a collective gasp around the inn. It went deathly silent until some man coughed loudly and the chattering happened again.  
  
Frodo appeared and Strider rushed forward and grabbed the reappeared Frodo by the collar. He whispered something in his ear and carried him up e steps and into one of the many rooms.  
  
"Don't we have to chase after Frodo?" Steve whispered in Abby's ear.  
  
"No." she replied quietly, 'We'll wait for Sam to notice."  
  
It was not long until Sam did and the group rushed forward and up the steps and into the room which held both Strider and Frodo.  
  
Sam was yelling at Strider. Strider said something in reply and put his sword away.  
  
Abby wasn't paying much intention. She just couldn't get over how much he stunk.  
  
It was like the man bathed in mud and vinegar.  
  
Or never bathed at all.  
  
Needless to say, it was awful.  
  
But damn! He was a hottie! 


	8. Calling Aragorn smelly has dire conseque...

A/N another chapter, don't you guys feel special? I treat you all so well. Anyway.  
  
Abby was dreaming.  
  
"Jonathan I am going to kill you!" screamed a pretty woman with a round heart shaped face. Her brown hair was damp against her forehead and her entire body was covered in sweat.  
  
Out side the hospital door Jon was pacing back and forth. "Should I go in now?" he asked Sam his brother.  
  
Sam grinned and tossed a peanut into his mouth, "Not if you value you're life bro." He replied.  
  
Another man with black hair and equally black eyes approached, "Jon." He said placing a hand on his shoulder, "How is she?" His voice surprisingly had a brisk, well-educated sounding southern twang.  
  
"I'm not entirely sure." Jon replied as his wife screamed out again.  
  
The dark haired man went somber, "You'll take good care of her and the baby, won't you Jon?"  
  
Jon stared at the tall imposing figure, "How could I not?" he asked quietly.  
  
"You won't begrudge the child because it's mine will you?" he asked earnestly, looking into his eyes.  
  
Jon addressed the older man, "Nobody could ever love that child more than I will Professor."  
  
"I just wish.Well I just wish that." but the Professor choked on his words obviously distressed.  
  
Sam patted the man's arm comfortingly, "Never thought I'd see the day when my collage professor goes emotional on us." He said trying to joke.  
  
The Professor let out a weak half heartened smile, "Are you going to tell Elise?"  
  
"It would just pain her too much." Said Jon sighing.  
  
Elise screamed louder.  
  
"We're almost there dearie." The mid-wife said.  
  
A loud shrill cry filled the air, "Quick!" screamed the mid-wife, "Somebody get the father in here!"  
  
The Professor and Jon both rushed forward. Jon entered first but before the professor could go in, Sam grabbed his arm and stopped him. Defeated the Professor sat down.  
  
"It's a girl!" A doctor screamed delighted.  
  
"A girl!" came several voices. Jon's joyous tones were the most distinct as he exclaimed how beautiful HIS baby girl was.  
  
"What are you going to name her?" the mid-wife asked in a polite voice.  
  
"Abigail," came Elise's now weak voice from the bed, "Abigail Grace."  
  
Outside the door a single tear rolled down the Professor's cheek, "My daughter." He croaked out, "Abigail Grace O'Brian. That's what her name should be, Abby O'Brian."  
  
Slowly, ever so slowly the scene faded to black.  
  
Abby awoke with a start. She wanted to blurt out many things but what seemed to be the most appropriate was, "What the hell?" Her response was the chip of a cricket. She sat up and rubbed her sore neck and back, brushing off some of the dirt that had clung onto her from the night. In the east at the horizon the sky was beginning to turn a pale gray. She picked up the traveling cloak she had been using as a pillow and wrapped it around her shoulders.  
  
Everyone else was asleep. Pippin had drool hanging out of the side of his mouth, Bilbo was snoring, Merry was muttering something, Sam was curled up into a small ball, and Aragorn lay perfectly still hands folded on his chest, eyes closed and body facing the stars. The only thing that gave away his restful slumber was the deep breaths she could see him take as his chest rose up and down.  
  
For Frodo however it was a different story.  
  
He lay on his side facing away from her, but just the murmurings he made, made her think he was awake as well.  
  
She cautiously took a step forward and listened, "It seems so odd." He was murmuring to himself, "That the fate of the world lies on something so small and worthless. I daresay a pair of shoes would coast more than twice your worth, not that a hobbit needs shoes."  
  
Abby smiled at the mental picture he had just created.  
  
"That dream made no sense either, I was with the elves and music played, yet I have never been with the elves before. Bilbo was there and so were many dwarves. It seemed as if I was reliving one of Bilbo's memories. How odd." He murmured immersed in thought.  
  
"How odd indeed." Abby silently agreed.  
  
A few hours later Aragorn was up and about. Abby followed him two and fro trying to convince him to bath in a stream nearby.  
  
"You smell." Abby had said for the countless time.  
  
"So I have been informed." He returned sharply.  
  
"You smell bad." Abby added. "Maybe a few adjectives will persuade him a little." She mused.  
  
" I live in the wilds of the world. How were you expecting me to smell?" he asked starting a fire.  
  
"Like clean fresh spring water and wild flowers to be sure." She snorted plopping herself on the grass next to him.  
  
He ignored her and continued to kindle his fire.  
  
She took in a huge sniff of air let out a disgusted gasp rolled her eyes towards him and scooted five feet away upon arriving to her spot she announced in a mellow dramatic sigh, "Ah! Fresh air at last!"  
  
He rolled his eyes upward for a moment but said nothing.  
  
"Really Aragorn!" she exclaimed, "This is no way for a King to smell!"  
  
He said nothing for a few moments but then her words sunk in, He slowly turned towards her unsheathing his sword, "How do you come to know of such things Lady Abigail?" he asked slowly and cautiously eyes burning with hate.  
  
She stood up and backed away from him and near a tree, "Uh Gandalf told me?" she squeaked.  
  
"You lie." Hissed Aragorn. And he pounced forward pinning her against the tree blade only centimeters from her neck, "Speak in truths Lady Abigail or I will have no hesitation in cutting your throat."  
  
"Uh.." Abby said, Gandalf had specifically told her to tell no one under any circumstances about the other worlds.  
  
"If you are a spy for Mordor speak now and I will grant you mercy." He spat. "Uh." She said again, "Where is all that grace, charm and pizzazz when you need it?" she thought vehemently.  
  
"My patience wears thin this morn Lady Abigail." He replied sword closer to her throat, "Are you friend or foe, speak now!" he hissed.  
  
"Friend." She said meekly, "Friend!"  
  
"How do you know of my inheritance then?" he asked, taking a step towards her so that their faces we're only inches apart. His horrible smell invaded Abby's nostrils.  
  
"Uh.." she replied.  
  
Inches apart, "Three..two.."  
  
"Ohmygod!Whatkindofidiotareyou?Gandalfmademeswearnottoteallanyoneuntilwereac hRivendell!"She screeched eyes closed waiting for the blow.  
  
It didn't come.  
  
"What did you say?" asked Aragorn.  
  
Abby blinked. "huh?" she asked.  
  
"What..did..you..say?" he asked slowly as if speaking to a child.  
  
"I said that Gandalf made me swear not to tell until we reach Rivendell."  
  
He stared at her for a moment before putting his sword back. "My eyes will be watching you always Lady Abigail. Another slip such as this and I will kill you. Is all understood?"  
  
Abby nodded mutely.  
  
"Good." He barked and walked off to a thicket of oaks.  
  
Abby slowly sank to the ground in mortification. "This is so not going how it was supposed to." She moaned rubbing her sore temples.  
  
"And what was with that dream?" she asked out loud.  
  
Pippin stirred in his sleep. But besides that nobody seemed to have heard. She observed the group she had come to love. Did she really belong here? She was so at ease amongst the hobbits like Steven was with his football friends. A small smirk graced her lips. She had never really fit in with the in crowd back home even though they accepted her as Steven's best friend. But looking around here she slowly came to realize, that while nobody hated Steven, all of the hobbits seemed more naturally drawn to her than Steven. Remembering some painful memories of her old home she smiled, realizing that here she could be free to be herself.  
  
"Middle Earth's loony been has my spot reserved." She said with a wiry smile. "And I'll be damn disappointed if I don't get to it."  
  
She sat as the sun really began to come up and smiled, despite Aragorn's scare and suddenly a thought hit her hard. She had the same smile as The Professor's in her dream. "Abigal Grace.' She murmured, "Abigail Grace, that's my name!"  
  
After a few moments of contemplation she said quite clearly, "Well if this isn't the weirdest thing ever than my name is Eldridge."  
  
A/N.thank you reviewers! I love you all to death! Hey hey hey! The plot is actually slowly taking form and we'll be in Rivendell by chapter ten.oh joy! 


	9. Writers block results in this!

A/N I'm extremely sorry for this delay. Between the holidays, being sick, being out of town, funerals and weddings, not to mention writers block, I've hardly had time to write at all. I'm making this a nice long chapter to hopefully make up for this though.  
  
"Abby," Merry was thinking, "is acting strangely."  
  
And indeed she was. Instead of lagging behind in the back of the group as she had been wont to do on this journey, she walked in the middle. Instead of playfully teasing Lord Steven she said little or nothing to him. She walked briskly starring at her feet and did not join in with the songs and games of the hobbits. She seemed to be often deep in thought. She didn't even pay any attention when Aragorn said, "This used to be the watch tower of Aumun' Sul. We rest here tonight."  
  
She didn't pay the slightest attention when Aragorn passed out swords and daggers claiming that the ring wraiths were not far behind them and that for Mordor to know where the ring was now, Saruman must be corrupted.  
  
She stayed quiet as Aragorn left and the others started drifting off to sleep until what seemed like eons later Frodo's cry of. "Put it out you fools! Put it out!" awoke her sharply.  
  
That's when they heard it, the cry of the nazgul. Everyone shuddered. Steve looked around where they stood and yelled, "Okay! It's time everyone goes up on the top! Get moving!"  
  
He needn't have said more as the whole group were running as fast as they could to reach the tops of the ruins.  
  
The nazgul had reached the top shortly afterwards. The five hobbits shoved Abby and Steven forward and Abby who could barely lift the massive sword that Aragorn had given her..  
  
Author: Hahahahah! Oh why can't you people see all of the bad seventh grade bathroom humor you can draw from this?  
  
Narrator Dude: Uh Mia.we were just at one of the dramatic semi- climaxes...you really should continue...  
  
Author: Oh! But this fic is so funny!  
  
Narrator Dude: JUST GET THE HELL ON WITH THE STORY MIA!  
  
Author: (under breath) Jeez, I am so talking to my agent about him.  
  
The nazgul had reached the top shortly afterwards. The five hobbits shoved Abby and Steven forward and Abby who could barely lift the massive sword that Aragorn had given her, Shoved the bulky Steven in front of her. He was shaking something awful but he stood his ground.  
  
The nazgul stepped forward, and Steven automatically stepped back. Merry and Pippin looked at each other and bellowed, "FOR THE SHIRE!" and attacked the nearest nazgul.  
  
However the servants of Sauron Lord of Mordor are most decidedly more trained in the field of fencing, and without even a struggle pushed the two hobbits away. Sam and Bilbo charged. They were pushed away as well.  
  
Abby glanced at Steven and they both looked at Frodo whose sword had fallen to the ground in fright.  
  
"STRIDER!" They both screamed running to the other side of the watch tower, "STRIDER!"  
  
"GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP HERE!" Abby added.  
  
He heard their pleas and came rushing forward with lightening speed. "Out of the way!" He yelled trying to reach Frodo and the ring. But it was too late. Frodo put on the ring, and everyone else watched in horror as the Nazgul pierced the air with a jagged knife. Aragorn in a flight of fury grabbed the torch he was holding in one hand and fought the nazgul.  
  
Steel crashed against steel and the sounds they made were unbearable to the ears. "Holy, Holy Jesus." Steven said covering his ears and wincing at the nazgul's screeches. "We started moving forward so much sooner than the book! This shouldn't be happening!"  
  
The nazgul fled as each one was lit on fire. Everyone rushed forward to Frodo. He was panting and wheezing just like the movie. Aragorn picked up the blade and went on his little spiel about it but neither Abby nor Steven paid him the slightest heed as they were both all too aware of the glare that Merry was sending them. 'Why did you not fight?' He asked as Aragorn picked up Frodo and they left Amon Sul at a face past.  
  
Neither spoke but their distress at his words was obvious on their faces.  
  
"Well?" he spat fury rising.  
  
Silence.  
  
"It's true then? What I heard Strider muttering about the other night? He believes you might be on the side of the enemy?"  
  
"We are most certainly not, on the side of the enemy Merry." Abby declared through gritted teeth.  
  
"Well explain ourselves then. Why did you not fight?"  
  
Abby's cheeks were becoming flushed but it was Steven, ever even tempered who span around on his place on the cart and addressed the hobbit first, "Do you want to know why Merry? Do you honestly want to know why I didn't go and try to duel a ring wraith?"  
  
"Y-yes." He stammered.  
  
"It's because I've never held a sword before. Never. Not once in the entirety of my life."  
  
"What?" said Pippin eyes wide, "You're nearly twenty summers Lord Steven and you mean to say you never have held a sword before?"  
  
"No." he snarled, "I haven't. We aren't exactly from a country where teenagers go around learning how to kill each other."  
  
Abby snorted showing the first sign of her true self in the past two days, "Stevie, I beg to differ. The Revolutionary war, the war of 1812, all those nice little spats we've had with Indians, which even if out Social Studies teacher was too thick to admit it, was much worse than, "Lover's quarrels." Then there's the civil war, nice bloody battle that was, and all that after math, World War I, World War II, Vietnam, Korea, the Cold War, the Gulf War, the semi-war thingy in Afghanistan, The War in Iraq..The list goes ever on and on bub."  
  
Steven let out a deep sigh, the tension slowly easing from his body. "Okay, miss know it all, I acknowledge your declaration as a truthful statement of the facts."  
  
The rickety cart led by Bill the Pony and company was slowly trudging its heavy party to Rivendell, but time was growing short for dear semi-wraith Frodo, not to mention that the Ring wraiths had decided it would be a good idea to stalk them. They kept trudging onwards however until late the next night when they were all settling down for a little shut eye Sam decided to announce that Frodo had, "Gone cold."  
  
"Do you know the plant athelous Sam?" Aragorn asked after examining the wounds and declaring that Frodo needed Elfish medicine.  
  
"Atholios?' he asked concentrating hard, "Not that I can think of."  
  
"Kingsfoil!" Steven exclaimed, "Now start your searching Samwise!"  
  
"Kingsfoil?" he asked surprised, "Why that's a weed! I'll be right on it."  
  
Sam quickly trotted off in one direction where he thought the weed in question might be growing. Aragorn decided to trot off to another pausing only to give Steven a small smile.  
  
Abby was spying eve when she knew that she shouldn't. A very strong heated debate was going on in her head and she wanted to know before the others. Would this little event prove to be book or movie? Book or movie. So far her instincts were screaming "MOVIE!" as loud as they possibly could. After all it had been her television that "sucked" her and Steven into Middle Earth as it was. But little things tended to contrast it. While Frodo looked a little bit like Elijah there was no great resemblance between them. He was also a little bit older than the Frodo of the movies, as it was in the books his thirty fourth birthday. However everything else was exactly the same. Exactly the same and it was creeping her out, not that falling into a fictional world wasn't scary enough as it is.  
  
"What's this, a ranger caught off his guard?" said Arwen as Abby watched from the shadows.  
  
Silently Abby cheered, her instincts were never wrong, but, why was Arwen quoting the movie, word for **bleeping** word?  
  
He smirked at her, "A ranger is never caught off his guard my lady, your horse gave you away."  
  
Abby couldn't help but blush at the flirting, as she heard Steven approach from behind. "Sam's found the Kingsfoil, what's up?" surveying the now suddenly intimate scene she was watching her bluntly said, "Oh I get it."  
  
"You made me miss the good part you moron," she snarled half heartedly knowing by now that both elf and ranger had most likely heard her, "Oi! Lovebirds! There's a hobbit that needs some help and a bunch wraiths chasing us. Mind not kissing until we reach Rivendell?"  
  
Aragorn turned his head sharply over to them and marched right up. His face was flushed from his previous activity, and his anger at Abigail was only restrained by the fact that she did have a valid point. As a matter of fact, she always seemed to have a valid point, or something sarcastic to say, about everything. He shook his head violently rushing to Frodo were he quickly applied the herb to the wound. Now was not the time to dwell on the particularities of his fellow travelers.  
  
Frodo gasped and started to pant as the herbs touched his infected wounds. He worked carefully pressing them in ever so gently before lifting the valiant hobbit up. In Elfish he argued with Arwen about who was to take the road. In the end, as usual Arwen won. And she gracefully climbed onto her horse Frodo situated in front of her and took off with a gallop. Aragorn calmly watched as she traveled away and did not respond as Sam yelled at him for letting Frodo go with the wraiths still out there.  
  
And as Aragorn drove the cart away at a fast pace hoping to reach Rivendell by the next morn, Bilbo, Pippin, Abby, Sam and Steven all silently occurred that it had been one hell of a day.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~Rivendell~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
When Steven and Abigail had first seen The Fellowship of the Ring, Abby had decided that no place could be more beautiful than the Elvin realm as Peter Jackson portrayed it. But as she looked at it now, and the past few weeks she had spent in it, she had decided that the movie did not do this place justice. The curves, the arches, the colors of all the buildings and plant life was so vibrant and alive, so lush and full of laughter that she couldn't see how the elves could ever want to leave. Tolkein had claimed that the place itself was slowly dieing because the age of the elves was ending, so she and Steven could only imagine what it was like in the height of it's time.  
  
But that's not really the point of this narrative. Time passed pleasantly, Frodo healed, Gandalf returned, there was much merriment and lot's of elfish was spoken as well as a little pig Latin between Abby and Steven. They were really sick of elves talking around them in elfish when they couldn't speak it, or understand it. Let them taste their own medicine.  
  
The elves as a whole in the out-worlders opinion weren't exactly all they were cracked up to be. Besides walking so quietly that the mortal ears were not able to hear their foot falls, the flawless faces, the "Ultra super Elfish hearing" as Abby would call it, the wonderful singing voices, the proper, manners they really were just normal people. Even if they were perfect, with the perfect things to say, and the perfect things to wear, and on and on and on.  
  
Anyway, time passed, time until Lord Elrond's council. On the eve of the secret meeting Abby and Steven addressed the Elvin Lord on the fact that they had not been invited.  
  
"Good evening, Lord Elrond." Steven said in a pleasant voice while cracking his knuckles.  
  
"Good Evening Lord Steven, Lady Abigail."  
  
"Evenin'" Abby chirped.  
  
"Now uh, Elrond you could call us best friends right?" Steven asked scooting up next to him.  
  
The elf raised a solitary brow, "No you could not."  
  
"Good friends?" He asked hesitantly.  
  
"I should not venture to declare so."  
  
"Regular friends?" Steven asked hopefully.  
  
"Even that is crossing the bonds of our so called relationship."  
  
"General acquaintances?" Abby asked.  
  
"That statement is spoken in truth, yes."  
  
"Right, right," Steven said, "SO as our acquaintance wouldn't you tell us about any secret councils that you plan on having?"  
  
"Secret councils that happen to do with a piece of jewelry belonging to one of our friends?" Abby extended.  
  
Lord Elrond closed his eyes using all the strength he had to compose himself in front of these two young mortals. "I would not tell two idiotic insolences about any secret council that I may hold tomorrow relating to any piece of jewelry that your friend wears."  
  
"You wouldn't mine repeating that would you?" Steven asked.  
  
"I clearly stated that I would not tell two idiotic indolence about any secret council that I may hold tomorrow---Maar Aniatar..." He trailed off cringing at the information he had leaked.  
  
"Tootles El." Abby said rushing off before Elrond could kill her.  
  
"I'll second that!" Steven bellowed trailing behind the tiny girl.  
  
Lord Elrond went to his study and slumped down in his chair, "I must be getting old." He thought wearily, "In spirit if not body."  
  
A/N Well this chapter was kind of a filler I swear the next one will be funny! 


	10. Women hold grudges be gentle

Here's the big and bad one zero! I finally got a story up to the tenth chapter! WOOT!  
  
Hiding in behind stone columns isn't an easy thing to do when you're twice as wide and nearly as tall as them, Steven reflected without feeling any satisfaction. When one was this big hiding in the shrubs was also an unlikely fit. Therefore Abby had proclaimed that Steven would just have to not sneak to the council but sit around in some perfectly innocent spot and wait for her summary of the famous scene. Like hell that was going to happen, he had decided, and now he lay completely still underneath the brush staring up at some dwarf's feet. In fact they were so chubby that he could barely make out anyone else's foot, and at the moment he was sincerely hoping that the elderly dwarf wouldn't get the sudden urge to kick backwards. He had had enough head injuries in the past few weeks, thank you very much.  
  
Meanwhile Abby stood stock still behind one of the stone pillars while Merry and Pippin followed suit at the next one over. She was trying to not even breath, knowing that an elf should probably be able to hear any movement no matter how slight when she was in this close of a proximity to them. And she could help but think, "Damn Legolas is hot." Every time she stool a peek and looked over at him. Now she could understand why so many girls drooled over him. He did look a little bit like Orlando Bloom, with his skin coloring, hair and ears and the blue of his eyes. He was about the same height and weight as well, but god this guy was better looking! Not that she'd fall for him or anything. Nope no chance of that, elves were so cork-up-ass kind of people.  
  
Elrond in all his creepy elf glory was addressing the council about something or other. Bilbo rose and told how he found the ring and passed it down to Frodo. She really didn't pay much attention, was all the stuff she already knew important to hear all over again? She certainly didn't think so. It wasn't like hearing the entire summarized version of the Hobbit from the hobbit who was there himself? Not really, besides the fact that just about every fan of Lord of the Rings out there would simply die, yes die, to be given that kind of opportunity. "The novelty must have worn off for me." She thought wearily realizing how, when she and Steven had first arrived a few months ago the littlest things had fascinated her. Such as Bilbo's eating utensils. For the first week or so she'd see something and think, "This is Bilbo's spoon." And this creepy little smile would work its way onto her mouth, or so Steven thought.  
  
"Whoa, back to reality Abby," she thought as she heard Gimili growl, "And I suppose you think you'd be the one to do it Master Elf!?!" But it wasn't that but more of a frightened whelp coming somewhere behind where Gimili sat that startled her, because that was most definitely Steven's voice.  
  
"That little S.O.B." she growled fiercely, sending Elrond's gaze from the bushes where Steven lie to the pillar that she stood behind.  
  
As the Dwarves the Elves and even some of the men argued and Frodo cried, "I will take it! I will take it!" Steven lie perfectly still on the ground except for his mouth which was silently exclaiming every profanity he knew over the growing black so\pot just under his right eye. Suddenly he came to a sudden realization. "You have my sword." Aragorn was saying to Frodo.  
  
"FREEZE AND REWIND!" Steven wanted to scream, "When the hell did this happen?" It seemed like only a few moments ago he was waiting for this damn thing to start and now Aragorn was offering his sword?  
  
Legolas stood up, "And my bow," shortly followed by Gimili, "And my axe." He snarled towards Legolas.  
  
Boromir stood up and Steven could actually feel Abby's heart beat faster. "She certainly thinks of him as a man now." He thought with a cynical smile.  
  
And that was exactly what Abby was thinking. Boromir was tall, and obviously well muscled, he had a small beard and fine green-gray eyes. This man was practically oozing masculinity. "And with masculinity comes arrogance." She sighed. What a fine body.of research, going to waste.  
  
"You carry the fate of us all little one," he said to Frodo, then to all he added, "If this is indeed the will of the council, the Gondor will see it done."  
  
"And so it sh - - -"Elrond began as Sam came running out from the brush.  
  
"Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!" he said gruffly and stoutly; shaking the dirt off his breeches.  
  
"No indeed," consented Elrond, "It seems that we can never part you from him, especially since you come to secret councils that he is summoned to when you are not."  
  
Merry looked at Pippin. Pippin looked at Merry. They both looked at Abby. She nodded and they all ran out from behind their respective pillars yelling, "Hey, hey hey!"  
  
"Well, we're coming too." Merry said trying to imitate Sam's stoutness.  
  
"Yes." Abby agreed shaking her head vigorously.  
  
"Anyways, you need people of intelligence on this quest.mission.thing." He finally decided.  
  
"That would rule you out Pip." Merry said putting his hands in his pockets.  
  
Elrond cleared his throat, "Ten." he began before being cut off again.  
  
"Eleven! Eleven!" bellowed Steven, "Abigail Grace! There is no way I'm not going if you are!" Elrond rolled his eyes, "Eleven." He muttered. "Wonderful! Now I cease to remember my prepared speech for this moment because of all the interruptions!"  
  
"Woops." Steven mumbled.  
  
"Aw just wing it El, you'll manage." Abby said happily, "Just say something like, eleven there are and eleven you shall be now, the Fellowship of the ring!"  
  
Elrond rolled his eyes again, "Eleven there are, eleven you shall be forever more, The Fellowship of the Ring."  
  
"Woot!" Abby exclaimed. But Elrond grabbed her arm.  
  
"We have much to discuss Lady Abigail."  
  
He then decided that it would be a good idea to drag her off to his study and practically throw her into a chair. "Elves certainly lose their hospitality with time." Abby muttered darkly. Elrond gave her a sharp glare.  
  
"I brought you here Lady Abigail to discuss your decision to join the fellowship."  
  
"I guessed as much." She replied.  
  
"What do you think you are doing joining the fellowship?" He interrogated.  
  
"Hush..." she replied, "Joining the fellowship?"  
  
"I know you are joining the fellowship Lady Abigail, but why?"  
  
"Because.because." she sputtered. Why the heck was she joining the fellowship? It wasn't like it was her home they were fighting for or anything.  
  
"You see you foolish child, you have no reason to join the fellowship in its quest!"  
  
"But all my fiends are going!" she yelled somewhat frantic.  
  
"Is Bilbo not your friend?" he asked.  
  
"Of course Bilbo is my friend but do you think I'm going to just sit around when I know all my hobbity friends are out asking for their death sentence? Why aren't you questioning them as well? They're about as qualified to go gallivanting around the country as I am!"  
  
"At least the young hobbits have wielded some sort of blade before!" he hissed, "I have it under good authority that neither you nor your cousin has."  
  
"That's because..uhh..." she groped around in her mind for an idea. "That's because we've only been trained in Light Savors!"  
  
"Light Savors?" has asked disbelieving.  
  
"Yes Light Savors! Our trainer was Obei One Kanobi, Steven was training to become the next Kanobi after Obei descends from this world but uhh.then we had to run away and umm.we were looking for Gandalf."  
  
"What?" Elrond asked.  
  
"Light Savors are like swords except they are magic you see! They are made from flames and they are really hard to wield and can't be brought out of our realm America!" Abby cried.  
  
"You are expecting me to believe this?" Elrond asked in a sarcastic voice.  
  
Matching his tone Abby replied, "And you expect us to believe that the fate of Middle-Earth lies on a little gold ring?"  
  
He sighed, "Your point holds valid enough Lady Abigail. But you can not go."  
  
"The more you say no the more I'll whine." She threatened.  
  
He grimaced, "Lady Abigail there are several reasons I can not let you go. One, you are not a shield maiden. You know not how to wield sword. Two, you are a woman and I am aware of woman's.." he spluttered for a moment blushing and then composed himself saying, "Monthly dilemma. I have a daughter you know. And would you like to be traveling around with such things going on?"  
  
"Well I've managed so far." she trailed off knowing she couldn't and shouldn't go into details, and not just for her sake.  
  
"And she would change the story." Gandalf said walking into the room.  
  
"No I woul-"but the words died on her lips in the middle of her protest because truthfully, she knew she'd try to change it.  
  
"Abby, you may go on the quest but you must swear that as long as I live you will not change the story. Let fate take its course." Gandalf said while Elrond glared at him.  
  
Abigail pretended to be somber and sorry and a bit sullen, but on the inside, she couldn't be happier. "I promise Gandalf. I won't change the story until you die, and who knows when that will be?"  
  
"Will you allow the lady to come with us on this quest then Lord Elrond?" "It seems I have no choice," he sighed tiredly.  
  
Abby suddenly got a huge burst of energy, "Oh Fuck yes!" she cried throwing a fist into the air with a great whoop. "This is going to be fun!"  
  
Both Elf and wizard stared at the young woman before simply shaking their heads and heading out of the room.  
  
Abby ran into Steven later on that night and seeing her grin of sheer happiness decided that it was within his right's as her best friend and honorary older brother to demand what she was so happy about.  
  
"I convinced the Big Cheese to let me go!" she yelled excitedly. "Oh wow, I am getting very big hot flashes here! Tell me not to faint Steve! Aren't you in the least bit happy for me?"  
  
"Abby, why are you going, besides to leave little puddles of drool wherever Legolas goes?" he asked nostrils flaring and using every bit of his towering height to make her feel small and weak.very weak.  
  
"First of all," she said stoutly, "I leave all drooling for when I'm alone, more preferably somewhere comfortable. Second of all..I don't know..WHY THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?"  
  
"YOU'RE THE ONE THAT OFFERED YOURSELF FOR THE FELLOWSHIP FIRST!" Steven bellowed.  
  
"At least I know what's going to happen god damn it!" she screeched.  
  
Boromir and Aragorn who had both been out in the hall doing that whole little sword scene thingy, were now desperately trying to find the source of the screaming.  
  
"You could be killed Abby!" Steven cried frustrated, "KILLED! You don't even know how to wield a sword."  
  
"Neither do you." She sniffed through angry tears.  
  
"I just want you to stay alive Abby! Alive and well, geez! Is that so much to ask for, that your friend be safe and sound?"  
  
"No it's not." She said flatly, "But I think I know what's safe for me, Steve! Don't try to govern over me so much! I'm the smart one here!"  
  
"Look," Steven growled dangerously low, "Just because you're so smart and get grades after skiving off classes that most people spend hours studying for doesn't mean that I'm completely devoid of common sense! You think it's a good idea to run around trying to protect yourself from Orcs when you could be comfy and safe in Rivendell?"  
  
They weren't yelling anymore even though their words held the same thunder. Aragorn and Boromir came to a skidding halt when they found the pair, tiny Abby pale, her face tear strained and shaking with anger, and tall imposing Steven, hunched red-faced and feeling miserable.  
  
"I never said that Steve. I know you're not an idiot." She said, "Don't put words in my mouth!"  
  
"You may have never said it, but you've said every word but!" He looked outraged and raised a hand.  
  
She quickly stepped back. Steven had never ever hit her, and she wasn't looking forward to a start. Boromir and Aragorn had both subconsciously decided that now would be a good time to step in.  
  
"Lady Abigail?" Boromir said bowing to her stiffly, "It will be time for dinner soon; you need to dress yourself as is appropriate, shall I escort you?"  
  
His words were kind but Abby couldn't see any real kindness or sympathy behind them. "No thanks." She replied in a shaky voice, "I've been here long enough to get around with out getting lost, I'll manage." She walked slowly away after casting Steven one last fretful glance, and as soon as she had turned the bend, she ran.  
  
"Lord Steven." Aragorn said, "Women can not always take the truth lightly. You are still a young lad, but the advice I give to you is this. The gentler you are, the sooner they forgive and forget."  
  
Boromir nodded in agreement, "And Lady Abigail seems the kind to hold a grudge long and hard. She certainly has one against me for what offence I know not."  
  
Steven sighed; this was going to be long and hard indeed. 


	11. Surreal Really

A/N Oh yea! Fresh blood! Thanks for all the reviews! I appreciate them like no tomorrow! Sorry for the incredibly long delay, this chapter was rather uninspired. I'm trying to move this story faster, move the romance faster and all that but it's really hard. I'm considering just abandoning this story because I've received very few reviews for it and one of them wasn't good. However the odds in one out of fourteen are pretty good but I feel like nobody is reading this story, so unless I either get really inspired, or begged to continue by reviewers this might be the last chapter I right.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Abby was observing the three dresses lain out on her bed with a skeptical eye. Truth be told, she'd rather be wearing one of those flimsy, flowing hobbity dresses that some ladies of the shire made for her, or some comfortable pants and a shirt...or breeches and a tunic. As most people here abouts called them. She thought, with a rueful laugh that it was amazing how so many of the teeny bopper fan fiction writers seemed to forget about the undergarments when writing their Mary-Suish stories. All the stories talked about long, following comfortable gowns that made even the ugly duckling instantly gorgeous, but they never even mentioned the evilness of what a woman was expected to wear underneath.  
  
The hobbit's underwear had been hard enough. Loose fitting, silky Capri like underwear that was tied very tightly around the knee and waist. They were decidedly less tight around her regular underwear wearing area, and much tighter around the thighs, and that seemed hard enough on its own. Then a tight, very sheer tank toppish shirt that was tucked into those pant things gave her breast less support than they were used to. Abby was seriously afraid of going around with a jiggle. Then around her stomach was a corset, tied tight enough to act like a push up bra underneath her boobs but not tight enough to cut off her breathing or the likes. The corset was actually made of a soft comfortable material and the ties were lace. She had really minded those clothes after getting used to something other than bikini underwear and sports bras.  
  
But now, this...She was almost positive that Elrond had these cloths customarily made so that they would kill her. She really, really, really, wasn't looking forward to stepping into those after training herself to like her nice comfortable hobbit clothes. First of all, the cut of two of the three dresses presented for her to wear this evening were simply awful for a short person. They would make her look fat in the stomach and thighs, a lot smaller in the bust and almost flat in the rear. Those kinds of dresses would suit well for a tall person making them look elegant and regal, but a blind man could see that Abby was anything but tall. While the third dress was a good cut for a person on the shorter side, the color was disgusting her. She hated brown. She frowned upon anything brown. She just did. This as far as browns went anyway was a beautiful shade of brown, dark and rich and creamy, with gold trims around the neck line and the cuffs. There was a lighter shade of brown on the sides with golden elvish leaves embroidered onto it. But it was brown. The v neck would set her shoulders off nicely but the dress was brown.  
  
Her other two choices were of course absolutely perfect in every way, except for the cut. One was a shining white and the other a magnificent twilight blue. But damn, she would look like a deformed shit in them. Which sucked...a lot. She then averted her eyes to the "corset of doom" as she had dubbed it, which seemed like a steel cage designed to make your boobs high in the sky and to have no waist at all. Pain...the incredible amount of pain she knew that thing was going to bring was immense.  
Much to her own dismay, she put it on anyway. "Must breath." She thought desperately while clutching her stomach as the dressing maid that was sent to her tied the strings in the back. Tightly. The dressing maid seated her on a wooden stool, so that she may dress her hair and Abby observed herself coolly. "My I do look good." She thought, "Damn if Steven can't forgive me when I look this good he never will be able to." She smiled sweetly at her reflection, as the maid pulled her brown hair into little twists and braidy things.  
  
After slipping into the brown dress, excusing the maid and putting on a pair of shoes, there really wasn't anything else to do. So she waited.  
  
In Steven's room which was on the other side of Elrond's hall, (can't have ladies and gentlemen sleeping to close to one another) Steven was in a near same dilemma. Boromir was sharing the room with him, even though there were plenty of empty spares on Abby's side, and while Steven was dressing himself in the comfortable clothes of his homeland that had come with him, Elrond had "graciously" provided him with elven garbs. "Elves suck ass." He mumbled while trying to put on the objectionable foreign garments.  
  
Boromir chuckled, "Most mortals share those sentiments."  
  
Steven looked up at him from the breeches which he tried to pull on.  
"Really?" he asked curious, "why?"  
  
"All elves are skilled with sword and bow, or so it seems, live for  
eternity, can ride even the fastest and wildest of horses, walk on  
snow, never get a hangover, and have everlasting beauty. Mortals I  
fear are not quite as lucky. Many hate and fear the elven kind because  
of the advantages they have over us. And many elves look down upon  
men." Boromir said lacing his boots.  
  
"So elves are like walking talking models that live forever?" Steven  
asked.  
  
"I know not what a model is Lord Steven, but elves do walk, talk, and  
live forever." Boromir replied.  
  
Silence enveloped the pair as they continued to dress, "Why does Lady  
Abigail hate me?" Boromir finally asked breaking the uncomfortable  
silence.  
  
Steven let out a low, hollow sigh. The last person he wanted to talk  
about right then was Abby, not when he was so mad at her. "She....." he  
couldn't say, "On a whole she hates all the men from Gondor because  
they are weak when approached with the ring of power, the only men  
from Gondor she likes are Faramir and Aragorn because they overcome  
the urge to use the Ring of power. She particularly hates you because  
you leer after it through the majority of the movie and are rude to  
Elrond and Legolas, and Aragorn during the council, and nobody who is  
rude to Aragorn and Legolas is okay in her book."  
  
No, that wouldn't do at all....  
  
"Abby has a strong distrust of men as a whole." Steven sighed.  
  
"Does she?" Boromir asked not believing it, "But she converses so  
easily with the Halflings, and the wizard, as well as you yourself!  
The only person who she seems to have a strain around is Aragorn, but  
still this does not explain why she looks upon me with such loathing."  
  
"Abby's just slow to..." he groped around for the proper words..."She  
isn't exactly the friendliest of a person. She can ooze on the  
charisma when she needs to, but really she's a little Spartan!"  
  
Boromir looked at him blankly raising a brow at the unfamiliar term...  
  
"Obviously you know nothing about Grecian history.....Uh...Vixen, Wench,  
Witch?"  
  
Boromir grinned, "I see."  
  
Both men continue to groom Boromir sitting in front of a mirror  
clasped a brooch onto his cloak and then said, "How do I earn the  
Lady's trust?"  
  
"Why do you want to earn the ladies trust?" Steven asked narrowing his  
eyes.  
  
Boromir laughed heartily, 'What do you think my intentions to the Lady  
dishonorable? She is but a child! I have no reason to wish love of  
her."  
  
"For a child," Steven snarled darkly, over protectiveness overcoming  
all other senses, "Some gentlemen sure do seem to deem her a whole lot  
of women."  
  
Boromir merely laughed, trying to not worry about the boys over  
protectiveness. All boys were overprotective, over everything and  
anything. He knew himself that it was often hard to restrain himself  
from slashing the throats of those who dishonored his little brother,  
even know that they were grown and Faramir could fend for himself.  
Dinner with elves was....very odd. It was as eloquent and elegant as  
you could imagine, but elves are a rather standoffish race, and Abby  
was wondering how a mortal man like Aragorn could fall in love with  
one. They said nothing at the dinner, absolutely nothing. Arwen and  
Abby were the only ones even attempting to converse with one another  
and it wasn't falling well.  
  
"And so from where do you fare Lady Abigail?" Arwen asked tentatively.  
  
"I fare from Sycamore Court, in the providence of New Jersey." Abby  
replied pushing some odd asparagus carrot dish around on her plate.  
  
"I have never heard of such a place," Arwen said a tad suspiciously,  
"And our scriptures tell of lands old and long forgotten, in the North  
South East and West, I would have to say you lie." Abby shot a look  
at Gandalf who was looking at anyone but her, stupid codger, and  
Steven was giving her the silent treatment, dumb jock, and the only  
person that had been actually talking to her was Boromir and he looked  
just as politely interested as Arwen did, crazy power hungry freak.  
  
Abby knew vague generalities were the only thing that could save her.  
  
"Not technically." She squeaked searching around the long table for a  
friendly face.  
  
She found one.  
  
Unfortunately, it was Pippin, "Gandalf explained to us all about it  
this afternoon." He said slowly as if he was talking to a rather  
stupid person, "You see Abby----"a glare, "Excuse me, Lady Abigail,  
isn't from Middle-Earth. She's from Earth, plain and simple like that  
you see..."  
  
He continued to rattle on and Steven's ears turned a bright pink, and  
Abby was silently yelling, "SHUT UP PIP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"  
  
"She was magically teleported along with Steve---Lord Steven, to  
Middle Earth, through her television. Now I'm not sure what a  
television is..." Pippin rattled on.  
  
"Ahahahahahaha!" Steven laughed, "Ahahahahaha! I remember that night!  
That's the same night that we got piss drunk at the tavern! OH WASN'T  
THAT SO FUNNY MERRY?"  
  
"What...."Merry asked but after seeing the glare that Abby gave him, it  
quickly turned into a, "What? You thought that was funnier then the  
time Pip got intoxicated and thought I was his mother?"  
  
"Why am I not remembering any of these times I got drunk?" Pippin  
asked wide eyed.  
  
And that was the end of the dinner conversation.  
  
After dinner, they headed off to hear poetry and music of all kinds.  
  
....And they had thought that elves were standoffish.  
  
Maybe it was that they weren't in their own element. But as soon as  
they started their singing and poetry reading, it was like the elven  
version or Woodstock. Enthusiastic applause and lots of alcohol. Of  
course there was no drug use, sex, or hoards of hippies. So then  
again maybe it wasn't like Woodstock at all.  
  
But the point is, that once and elf is doing something they love, they  
really get into it.  
  
They really, really, really do.  
  
Surreal really.  
  
A/N and so ends chapter 11! Please review! 


	12. Big Wheels Keep on Turning

**Author's Notes: **I updated! Imagine that! I should update alot more now, as all the sudden I'm pumped up with ideas for the story. Basically because of all the reviews I got, thanks so much you guys!

hehe!

* * *

------------------------------------------------------

Abby sighed as a gentle breeze tickled her nose and cheeks. For years and years it seemed they had been walking, but truthfully, they had only left Rivendell three days earlier. Steve was still mad at her, and she knew that there was nothing she could truly do about it. A long time ago she realized that saying "I'm sorry." Doesn't make the hurt or the pain go away. I'm sorry puts out the idea that you understand you were mistaken in your actions or decisions but it doesn't solve the problem.  
  
"It's not like I really did anything wrong," she thought as she trudged behind the rest of the group. "He's just being over protective of me, as usual."  
  
She couldn't be more bored, but all in all, she supposed being bored was better then being worried sick over the fate of the fellowship. She was looking forward to the exciting stuff to happen and in all honesty was ready to scream of frustration.  
  
Boromir, Pippin and Merry were the only ones talking, and she couldn't help but want to join their party at the front, as much she disliked Boromir. The man creeped her out and as much as she tried to not think about what he would try to do to Frodo and judge him on how he acted now she couldn't get the picture of him trying to take the ring from Frodo out of her head. She was mostly afraid that that could be her someday.  
  
She had heard the ring call out to her aching heart, heard its lure saying how she could be all powerful, how everyone would love and fear her, how the emptiness of her soul could be filled. But she had resisted, and resisted strongly, having the foreknowledge of the hell the ring causes. That didn't mean she wasn't tempted, not that deep down they weren't all tempted.  
  
She could stand the silence no longer and began to sing to herself.  
  
"I'm not a perfect person." She murmured in a gentle alto. "There's many things I wish I didn't do."  
  
Suddenly she paused. Where had she heard that song before? What song was it? Her face paled. What was her birthday? Her mother's name? Her address?  
  
She...she couldn't remember. And she passed out. It would have been much more dramatic, if A. anyone had been watching and B. If they hadn't been traveling up hill.

--------------------------------------------------------

No one noticed Abby's absence from the party until they set camp for the night and began to cook dinner. It was Boromir whom first noticed.  
  
"Lady Abigail has said little this day." He said his eyes sweeping over the group for her, "Something that surprises me."  
  
A few other people, dwarves, wizards, and hobbits, chuckled.  
  
Suddenly Boromir's face paled significantly. "Where is Lady Abigail?" He barked.  
  
Pippin's eyes grew very wide, "The last time I saw her was nearly three hours ago!"  
  
"We should search for her." Boromir said gravely.  
  
Aragorn did not look all too concerned, "We will not be able to find her with the cloak of night upon us. We should wait until morning."  
  
"Do not play a fool Ranger." Boromir hissed, "Both of us know well that you can track her just as easily night or day, and the elf can see clearly during this time as well."  
  
Aragorn opened his mouth to speak but Steven cut him off, "Listen Smelly!" he ordered a touch hysterically, "You are going to get off your lazy ass and come along with me and Boromir and Legolas and we are going to find Abby, even if it's the last fucking thing we do! HOW GET UP!"  
  
Aragorn was surprised how intimidating the dimwitted blonde could be at times like these. He stood up. "Gandalf, you shall stay and watch the hobbits?"  
  
He nodded slowly, "I shall."  
  
"Good." Steven remarked clapping his hands together, "The rest of you, come one!"  
  
They had split up into three groups, Legolas and Aragorn, (although Steven whined that it was unfair as they had the best eyesight and tracking skills.) Steven and Boromir, and Gimili who insisted on going by himself.  
  
They had been on the hunt for at least an hour, and the night air was growing chill.  
  
"Well." Said Boromir, "Tell me about some of the habits of Lady Abigail so that I have a better understanding of where to look for her."  
  
"What do you mean?" Steven asked.  
  
"Well, as you have known Lady Abigail for the majority of your life you must know several things about her. If she was to find herself lost, what would she do?"  
  
Steve pondered for a moment. "She would most likely stay where she was if she knew that someone would be looking for her. Otherwise I haven't the faintest idea."  
  
"Isn't that lovely!" said Boromir with a groan. It would be a long, long search.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **I should update again in a couple of days, a week at the most. Please review!


End file.
